LUSH. If you don’t know what this stands for, you’ll fall for anything. LUSH is the Bar None acronym for Lesbian Until Sober Honey and i’m not saying Taylor Swift is a LUSH, i’m saying i hope she is or at least that she’ll take pictures of her trying to be.
Like Cara and a Taylor were both photographed drinking alcohol. In the company of another woman. At a basketball game. The only difference is that Taylor was drinking with a beautiful woman, and Cara was with Michelle Rodriguez. Still, since Cara and Michelle broke up, maybe Taylor can score with Cara on the rebound. There’s a match-up that would start me dribbling.
Taylor’s date was Karlie “Lip” Kloss, a hot lingerie model and my investigative journalism skills once again paid off once again because i figured out how they hooked up. And Cara Delevignge is the missing link. Check it out.
Cara is a model alcoholic and she had a few drinks with Lip Kloss which got Kloss all wet and shiny. But then Cara found Michelle, which left Karlie high and not dry at all but still wet and shiny. So Karlie went out and found herself her own, next-better thing: Tay-Tay. Ta-da!
There’s more shots of Taylor Swift & Karlie Kloss in my drawers at the bottom of this post. Just keep scrolling down ’til you start getting warmer.
You know me (and if you don’t, i wouldn’t be the first), i don’t give a shit about politics and shit like that. i’m just happy sitting here making you happy, but something other than me came across my desk the other day and i feel compelled to share it with you.
Chelsea Handler in the Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the shot for a wallpaper
American comic Chelsea Handler posted a picture of herself naked on top of a horse because Putin did. Except Chelsea didn’t do it to prove her boobs were as big as the Great Outhouse, but to protest the fact he can show his nipples and she can’t.
Chelsea Handler v Putin: Who’d you rather?
Now i like causes as much as the next guy, if the next guy is passed out in a pool of his own vomit at a I-don’t-care-about-causes bar. But if there’s one cause i’m willing to stand up for, it’s Free the Nipple. Now, don’t be confused like me and think the cause is to give free nipples to every one, because that would so rock hard, but it’s almost as good because they want chicks, sorry, girls to be able to show their nipples all over the place like men, except so much fucking hotter.
To prove i’m way cooler than Instagram, who censored her photo, i’m going to post the full original shot because i’m all about the political aspect of this and defending rights and equality and feminism and shit. Here at the Bar None, we’re Instagraphic:
BTW, to keep the protest going, here’s another shot Chelsea posted on Instagram. Hell, i’m just happy to be here and help out. Fight the Power.
Bar None Dregs
If you think this website is funny, you’re right. But also pretty funny is this guy over at WTF!? (Watch the Film).
Click on the logo for the laughs
As for me, go here for a complete list of all my websites on one page so you don’t miss out on any of my shit. All About Al K Hall
What follows is just sexy shots of the girls. Read on at your own risk because it’s even not safe for worker than the shit you just read.
From the juiced-box and the soundtrack: Leo Reisman (Cole Porter) – You Do Something To Me
[Press 'Play' for the traditional Woody Allen jazz shit]
Ramblings: Cheap tricks
Final Proof: 3 shots
You know how you get drunk with a magician? For the first couple drinks you’re pretty amazed by his illusions and you find yourself wanting to believe there is something special going on, something beyond the everyday, something extra-ordinary. But it doesn’t take long for you to see through the tricks, and the magic, like the buzz, isn’t real at all – it’s artificial, it’s an illusion and once you see through it, you leave disappointed and feeling you could’ve made more magic yourself. That’s the not so special effect of Magic in the Moonlight.
Pinocchio as a cross dresser
Top hats off to Woody Allen for making a film a year, which makes him one of the most prolific filmmakers of his generation but then most of his generation is dead. The problem is, if a guy faps once an hour, the consistency of his… creative juices lessens and gets a little sloppy over time. If a magician never stops doing tricks, the tricks start to look the same after awhile. There’s only so many ways you can saw a woman in half. Legally.
i’m a big fan of Woodies. i’m also kind of a fan of Woody Allen. i especially like when he does magical realism. Alice, The Purple Rose of Cairo, even Midnight in Paris really work for me. i find most of his other movies, though, are like rum drinks in a mall bar: bland, ordinary, and weak. Magic in the Moonlight had the chance to make the right choice, but in the end decided it was too lazy. No one likes it when it’s too lazy in the end, ask Neil Patrick Harris.
“God’s penis is actually rather small”
i say that, but this movie wasn’t a total waste. The story line was like my porn, interesting and satisfying and the ending caught me by surprise. Probably the best thing overall about Magic in the Moonlight was Emma Stone. You probably remember that i still hate Emma because of a rumor years ago before she was super famous that she was a supreme bitch to a couple of young teen girls who approached her for an autograph. While i can’t forgive that, i have to admit that she’s fun to watch on screen. She’s cute and she has a sparkly charm that helps pass the time so that, even if the movie isn’t all that engaging, at least she is.
“And then I’ll show you how I got the nickname ‘Woody’.”
If you like Woody Allen, you’ll probably like this one, and if you don’t like him, sorry i didn’t bash him more.
Buzz Kills (Watch Out for Spoilers)
Sex: ½ Shot
Before i get balls balls deep into the sex, i want you to grasp something big about this movie. This movie is a romantic comedy between a man who is 54 years old and a girl who is 26. Not judging, but it’s obviously a Woody Allen movie and maybe even a little based on his life except, in the movie, the girl isn’t her lover’s daughter.
To be fair to the movie, i didn’t notice this age thing until some girl pointed it out to me afterwards. Which probably says less about me than you already know.
Whatever, Emma Stone was 24-25 when she made this movie and it’s not my fault that she looks like this.
Emma Stone Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the shot for a wallpaper
There’s more single shots of her in my drawers, down there. Just keep scrolling down until you hit the dirt.
As for the sexy in Magic in the Moonlight, here are my sex notes, blow by blow:
Emma Stone is super cute in her hat
Emma Stone closeups are breathtaking
Emma Stone dancing [is like watching new angels learn to fly]
Stanley [Colin Firth] and Sophie [Emma Stone] kiss at the happy ending
Just one this time, and not a beginner either. The very lovely Catherine McCormack was both in 28 Days Later and Braveheart, though she wasn’t in this movie nearly long enough (as Olivia, Stanley / Colin Firth‘s girlfriend).
Drink: 2 Shots
Most of Woody’s movies have tons of booze in them, though they don’t usually play an important role, so that’s why i’m throwing up 2 shots here. Interesting that they have alcohol in almost every scene and i, as an alcoholic in recovery, wasn’t even tempted once. Maybe i’m past the cravings or maybe Woody doesn’t know how to film booze.
Scotch in bar where one magician asks another to investigate a medium
Drinks at house before meeting Sophie [Emma Stone]
Stanley asks for wine visiting his Aunt Vanessa’s [Eileen Atkins] house after lunch
Dancing champagne in hand at the ball
Lots of champagne glasses as props to the sunrise after the ball [WTF!?]
“Perhaps I can scare up a whiskey.”
“We should break out champagne!” Celebrate Aunt Vanessa’s health
Wine at Aunt Vanessa’s when [Stanley] realizes he loves Sophie
Drinks at a bar forgiving his friend [Simon McBurney as Howard Burkan]
Vanessa: You need a drink. What will you have? Stanley: A scotch. (After breakup)
Rock & Roll: 0 shots
Woody Allen is a jazz freak and just a freak but knows nothing about rock, either for action or music.
For those of you who kept a couple of shits to give, here’s the soundtrack recreated on Spotify. (i had to substitute versions of some of the songs for what was available.)
Emma Stone – Sophie
Catherine McCormack – Olivia
Eileen Atkins – Aunt Vanessa
Ute Lemper – Cabaret Singer
Colin Firth – Stanley
Simon McBurney – Howard Burkan
Bottom Line
If it’s between this and something else, choose something else. If there’s nothing else on, you could do worse than this.
How many times have people come up to me and said, “Al K Hall, my kids just aren’t taking to vodka as quickly as I did at their age. What can I do to get them on the bottle sooner?”
Ok, no one has ever come up to me and asked me that question, but if they did, here’s what i’d answer…
But before we get into that, i have a little song for you from the juiced-box, to get you in the mood. Korpiklaani – Vodka
Bar None Kiddie Vodka Wallpaper – Click on the shot for a wallpaper
10 Vodkas Your Toddlers Will Eat Up
1. Peanut Butter & Jelly vodka
No crusts in here
2. Cookie Dough vodka
For when real raw cookie dough doesn’t make you sick enough
3. Chocolate Covered Pretzel vodka
Everyone’s go-to junk food, am i right?
4. S’mores vodka
Good for getting drunk on right next to a roaring bonfire
5. Cotton Candy vodka
Will stick to the toilet bowl, not your fingers
6. Bubble Gum vodka
Now no one can burst your bubble
7. Red Liquorice vodka
Liquor-ice
8. Fluffed Marshmallow vodka
A new way to get toasted
9. Buttered Popcorn vodka
Quieter for the movies
And if you want extra butter
Autumn Butter vodka
666: The number of the eats
10. Root Beer Float vodka
Because you need something to drink to wash all of these down…
The dregs are back, bigger and bitter than ever. Like i got a drunk cheerleader picking up and going down on her kids’ friend, i got Koreans afraid the Irish will outdrink them, English people raising all kinds of hell in Thanksgiving-land, Amanda Bynes working for for me, shitfaced toddlers, laws you only have to obey when you want to, prosecuted prosecuting attorneys and so much fucking more you better start reading now before you run out of time to finish all the shit rising to the bottom. Even better, i have a present for y’all. That’s right, i got you guys a “Get out of jail drunk” card of your very own. Because that’s the kind of tender bartending mother fucker i am.
Not from the juiced-box, but dedicated to the Irish from the Koreans: SM Ballad – 내일은 (Another Day)
[Press play for a song that was banned in South Korea for promoting alcoholism with hardcore lines like “Drunk on alcohol so that I don’t miss you” and “If you fall asleep drunk, you dream“]
An Irish woman applied for a teaching job in Korea, probably because she wanted to stay drunk all the time and she knew that Koreans party like it’s nobody’s business except hers if she got the job. What makes it my business is that they told her she can’t teach there because she’s Irish which means for sure she’s probably an alcoholic. Here’s what he South Korean teaching agency had to say…
I am sorry to inform you that my client does not hire Irish people due to the alcoholism nature of your kind.
To be fair, i can’t help but agree with them. i mean, South Koreans drink more than any fuckers in the world. 4 times more than the whUSsies and 5 times more than the pussy Irish.
So first the Koreans should know if someone drinks too much and second, the Irish chick wants to move to Korea so obviously she wants to drink 5 times more than she does now, right? i mean, why would anyone want to move to fucking South Korea? Has to be to stay shit faced all the time.
But you know me (and if you don’t you don’t know shit), i’m going to leave it up to y’all, the patronizers of the Bar None. Look at these two wallpapers and vote on which country is the most fucked up.
Drunk Irish Girls wallpaper – Click on the shot for a wallpaper
Drunk Korean Girls wallpaper – Click on the shot for a wallpaper
My theory is South Koreans got the wrong impression about the Irish from watching too much Archer.
Speaking of places for alcoholics to live, y’all alcoholics should move to Arizona. They just voted on a proposition which says they don’t have to obey any government law they don’t want to. The good news for us is that it means we can do the same. Just go to Arizona and do any old fuck thing you want and if they give you shit about it, just say, “I don’t feel like recognizing your law as Constitutional.”.
Kathleen was arrested (with a BAC of .205) because she was swearing at students while drinking white wine and screwdrivers before, in and after class. Sounds like she’s teaching some life lessons to me and besides, i’ve memorized the Constitution and nowhere does it say Thou Shalt Not Teach Drunk. All Kathleen has to do is say she doesn’t feel like obeying their “Drunk and Disorderly” law because it’s not Constitutional, and she can go home and resuscitate that bender.
While we’re talking about lawlessness, a New York City prosecutor handled a tough case of beer and was out of order at the bar where his actions drew contempt from all of those judging his poor demeanor. Manhattan prosecutor Eli Cherkasky grabbed this lady’s bags (like real bags, not a euphemism) and when she got pissed, he grabbed both her arms and was all,
Bitch! You’re a bitch! Hit me! Why don’t you hit me?
to which i hope she answered, “Because I don’t abuse animals, even pigs.”
Eli Cherkasky Mug Shot
Then 5 minutes later, he called her a “Cunt”, pushed her to the ground and started choking her ass (not literally).
Eli may have passed the bar exam but he failed this bar exam. I don’t think he’ll be prosecuting himself, though, because he doesn’t even feel guilty.
Six tots under the age of 8 descended on a Joe’s Crab Shack in Colorado Springs, CO and ordered a round of drinks. They were served Kiddy Cocktails, hold the Kiddy [and if you do, they'll never let you within 500 yards of a grade school again]. Unfortunately, the waitress came back shortly after and carded them told them their drinks had alcohol, so she took the beverages away, but not before one little 2-year-old had polished off her entire “Shark Nibble”.
That’s a good price for cooked kids
The good news for those of you under the age of 21: now you know where to go and what to order if you want to get Baby’s First Hangover.
Just in time for Thanksgiving, here’s your Turkey, where locals think the English are turkeys.
You Turkeys!
What happened was is that the English tourists in Turkey drank until dawn which is when the Muslims go to pray because the early bird catches the best rug. So the holier than thems complained because there were drunk English people all over the place, just like every country that has English people in it.
Bloody Hell
What the Turks don’t understand is that the Brits were partaking in their own rough sects. Boozing is sacred to the English, who drink religiously until they fall to their knees and call out to God at the white altar.
i’m writing you with a job proposition and this one doesn’t involve a head or a hand like the last time. i know you’re looking for a job as a bartender and we have an open position for you here at the Bar None, and this time by ‘position’, i don’t mean Missionary, Peace sign, Butterfly, The Stopperage, The Yawning Position, The Octopus, The Viennese Oyster, The Leapfrog, Doggy style, Upright doggy, 69, Spread-eagle, Spoons, Inverted Missionary, Camel Ride, The Screw, The Cowgirl, The Italian Chandelier, Horizontal Reverse, The Proposal, The Split level, The Crabwalk, Watching the Game, The Armchair, The Black Bee, Persuading of the Debtor, or The Playing of the Cello. The salary, like the job and the Bar None, is 100% spurious, and i think you’ll like it because you spend most of your time in fantasy land already.
All the booze,
Al K Hall
Temporal Functional Alcoholic Spokesperson
PS One of the requirements of the job is that you stop the plastic surgery. You were cuter before you started and you’re only going to make things worse if you continue so quit while you’re less behind.
There’s this 15 year old boy somewhere who’s a little sadder tonight because his cheerleader girlfriend got arrested and may go to jail for raping him. Oh yeah, because she’s 47. The once oldest NFL cheerleader first saw the kid’s photo on Instagram using her eyes and then got in touch with him using her mouth. And her hands.
In this case, though, two heads may not be better than one because, after she blew him off twice (and not the cold shoulder way), he never wanted to see her again, despite her wide open offer of free sex.
C’mon, Molly, pick up someone your own size. And if you want someone to practice on, i can give you a tip.
Check this magic trick out. Here’s what Molly looks like hanging out with the kids…
And here’s what she changes into when she goes the the police for her mug shot.
Ta-dumb!
More drunken cheerleaders? Coming right up…
Drunk Cheerleader Wallpaper – click on the shot for a wallpaper
Elizabeth Vargas, a journalist in Chicago was fired because she showed up at work drunk a couple times and couldn’t finish a broadcast because she was drunk on air. Her defense was the “Fuck you” defense. “Fuck you because you knew i was an alcoholic when you hired me because you knew i got fired from my last job for being drunk all the time.”
A News Flash
As an alcoholic in recovery, i kinda wish i’d had this defense when i was a drunk. Imagine being able to get away with all of your drunken fuck-ups just by saying you’re a drunk. “i’m sorry about running over your dog, officer, but i’m an alcoholic and you knew it because you already arrested me shitloads of times.”
You know what, though? Why should celebrities be the only ones to get of scotch free? Here’s your own, personal Get Out of Jail Drunk card. Feel free to carve out of your monitor and use it the next time you screw shit up with your drunk ass antics.
i sure could’ve used this card back when i was drinking because i did shit like
Made aquarium lips on the window of a restaurant on the Champs Elysées
Asked friends if i could sleep with their girlfriends
Made my sister the designated driver on her 21st birthday
Yeah, i’ve done a lot of shit where a get out of jail drunk card woulda come in handy. What about you? Care to share any embarrassing drunk stories with us here at the Bar None? Leave a comment in the Tip jar. (BTW, the Tip Jar is the “Comments” section.)
2014-11-14 Big Ass Ass
Booze goes striaght to her ass
Kim Kardashian’s ass isn’t just big, it’s opera big. Because she’s trying to turn all the public attention away from the story that I uncovered about how she had a dwarf’s baby, she decided to pose completely nude on the cover of some made up magazine no one ever heard of and probably doesn’t exist. Then, to make sure she got my attention, she posed with champagne everywhere to make sure i knew she was in the Bar None. As i’m always one to oblige, here’s Kim in all her glory hole.
As long as she doesn’t think i’ve forgotten her dwarf baby.
Watch out, y’all because what’s coming up won’t go back down: it’s too NSFW, even NSFWer than all the shit you just read before. You’ve been warned.
And, while we’re on the Free Nipple subject, here’s my contribution to the cause with another KK pic, only this time it’s Kim Kardashian in the Bar None.
Damn, it’s hard being so political. So very hard.
Bar None Dregs
If you think this website is funny, you’re right. But Saint Pauly over at WTF!? (Watch the Film) isn’t so bad either.
Click on the pic for the chuckles
As for me, go here for a complete list of all my websites on one page so you don’t miss out on any of my shit. All About Al K Hall
After the resounding success of my Vodka for 9-year-olds, i figured what the fuck, there’s grown ups who like vodka too, right?
The problem is, our tastes have moved past candy, but does that mean we have to stop enjoying vodka at all hours of the day? Fuck no!
Below you’ll find a selection of flavored vodkas you can have for any meal…dessert included.
As an alcoholic in recovery, i haven’t tried any of these but i’ll probably go off the wagon when they invent Cara Delevingne’s panties vodka (distill my beating heart).
That said, i’d love to hear from you in the tip jar (comments) if you’ve ever been brave enough to sample one of these. Which one did you try and what did you think?
To get you in the mood, from the juiced box, i give you: The Whiskey Bards – Drinking Man’s Diet
Wallpaper
Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the shot for a wallpaper
17 Vodkas You Will Eat Up
1. Breakfast Vodkas
Breakfast is the most important drink of the day. Most alcoholics recommend a hearty drink before braving the world outdoors. For those of you who want a big breakfast drunk, try
Maple bacon (WTF!?) vodka
Blueberry pancake vodka
Waffle vodka
If you’re one of those who doesn’t like big breakfasts, not to worry. What about Fruit Loop vodka?
You could even drink it out of a bowl
Still too much? How ’bout just a little bite on your way out the door.
Drunken Donuts
2. Lunch Vodkas
Busy at the office and looking for something to take the edge off? Try this blast from the past: PB&J vodka.
No crusts and everything
Want to give that sammich a little kick?
How to get pickled
Maybe you need something that’ll burn a little more going down.
Burns going both in and out
Not spicy enough? No problem, i got some Jalpeño vodka for you.
Burns both going down and coming up
To be sure you stay healthy, don’t forget to drink a little fruit. (SaltyWatermelon? WTF!?)
Seedless
3. Dinner vodkas
A three-course meal is the perfect way to finish off the day if you’re still standing.
Are you glad i didn’t post this as a slideshow and make you go through each bottle one at a time? You could always thank me by…uhm, i don’t know… sharing this.
What about you? Have you tried any of these? Leave a comment below and let us know what you thought.
Not from the juiced-box but the soundtrack: Billy Boyd – The Last Goodbye
[Press ‘Play’ for maybe the only thing gayer than a hobbit]
For those reading this the day before the US release, here’s the smart phone proof i got to see it before y’all. Don’t hate the player, hate me.
Ramblings: Happy Ending
Final Proof: 3½ Shots
You know how you get drunk on bumblewine with wee tiddlers in the Land of Nodd? The yarns they spindle numb your senses and you feel the weight of night petals settle over your eyes and pull you into Slumberland like a boat of Fire Mead. You’re able to dull out the incessant blades of their boredom as they harp out of tune tales meant for children and petty criminals. Just as you decide you’ll suckle the last dram from the bottom of the caphorn and be on your way, the stories finally become interesting. Like the whelm of the liquor, their tales turn to epic sagas of bravery and sacrifice, of blood and courage, of death and magic. You find yourself captivated by the heartbeat of their tongues, your eyes are regaled by their words and you’re happy you stayed the course and settle into the comfortable inebriation of the night realm. That’s what The Hobbit: The Battle of the Five Armies was like.
Nobody wanted to see this movie less than me. i already saw the first one (The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey), and if that wasn’t bad enough (and it was pretty bad, trust me) i even saw the second one, The Hobbit: The Desolation of Smaug. That’s how bad i want to please you, and trust me, it was pretty bad.
So i was all set to sleep through this third and – thank you fucking god – final installment of this most boring orgy of hobbit porn but then something happened i could never have counted on. i actually liked this movie. It was pretty fucking good.
What did i like about this one i didn’t like about the others? Uhm, what’s the word i’m looking for… Oh yeah: EVERYTHING. Like in the first two movies Peter Jackson couldn’t decide if he wanted to make a kiddie movie or a barely intense action flick and so he went to both extremes and the film got lost in the middle. Or there was tons of talking in the other two. People and non-people alike just walked around yapping about nothing at all. And there were moments of action but they were so spread it it reminded me of my sex life and this depressed the shit out of me more than the depths of boring we descended into.
But not with The Battle of the Five Armies. The movie kicks off in high gear with a dragon attack and doesn’t slow down much from there. There’s enough action but, more importantly, less useless dialog and i won’t even talk about the final battle which takes up the last third of the film which is pure spectacle.
Hell, i didn’t even remember the snooze-fests that were the fist two films and i still understood what was happening here and was able to follow along. You know what was too bad? This film is a lot closer to the original LotR trilogy and if Jackson had made the first two Hobbit movies like this one, he would’ve ascended into Assguard (or whatever) and hung out with the gods.
As it is, at least he finished on a high note.
Buzz Kills (Watch Out for Spoilers)
Sex: 0
Not even a kiss. Then again, looking at the cast, that’s probably a good thing. And now that i think about it, there probably was a kiss between Tauriel (Evangeline Lilly) and Kili, her Dwarf (or whatever) boyfriend. The good news in that sentence is that Evangeline Lilly was int his movie, so i get to spend some time looking up pictures like this.
Evangeline Lilly Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper
There’ll be some more shots of her in my drawers at the way bottom of this review.
And Evangeline Lilly wasn’t the only hot actress in this one. We were blessed enough to have a few minutes of screen time with Cate Blanchett as Galadriel, and i was pretty glad-real that a woman who looks like this appeared in the film.
Cate Blanchett Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper
There’ll be some solo shots of her rolling around in my drawers at the bottom of the post as well.
They tried to hide how hot Peggy Nesbitt (real life daughter James Nesbitt, the actor who plays Bofur) was but despite limiting her screen time to a tragic little, her beauty shone through. She played the oldest daughter of some Lakeville hero called Bard, but we’ll be remembering her face a lot longer than his. Because it looks like this.
Drink: 0 Shots
Yeah, there was even less booze here than there was in the other ones.
Rock & Roll: 4 Shots
Four shots and i don’t have to tell you it had nothing to do with the music and don’t make me prove it by forcing you to listen again to the song i already posted at the top up there. Nope, the four shots here is all action and there was enough of it in this movie. Sure, there could’ve been more but at least what they had here was killer.
The movie starts out with Smaug attacking Laketown and this is done really fucking well. Jackson doesn’t shy away from the action, he gets right up into it, close and personal, and he doesn’t skimp on it either. There’s some meat to the battle and it isn’t repetitive either. Plus, the special effects are so good you forget they’re special effects.
Then if you think that was good, wait until the final battle. It takes up the entire last third of the movie and while some people may think this is too long (like those who whined about all the action that was in the third Transformers), the epic war didn’t feel drawn out at all. The whole time i watched it, i was thinking about the grandiose spectacle of the thing and really had a great time. This kind of action is what going to the movies is supposed to be about.
Boring Technical Crap
Written by:
J.R.R. Tolkien – novel “The Hobbit”
Fran Walsh, Philippa Boyens, Peter Jackson & Guillermo del Toro – screenplay
Directed by: Peter Jackson
Starring
Evangeline Lilly – Tauriel
Cate Blanchett – Galadriel
Benedict Cumberbatch – Smaug / Necromancer
Lee Pace – Thranduil
Luke Evans – Bard
Richard Armitage – Thorin Oakenshield
Orlando Bloom – Legolas
Martin Freeman – Bilbo Baggins
Ian McKellen – Gandalf
Manu Bennett – Azog
Bottom Line
See it. So much better than the first two. And the best part is, you don’t even have to see (or remember) the first two to enjoy this one.
Another Round
Booze Revooze of The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey
Booze Revooze of The Hobbit: The Desolation of Smaug
WTF review of Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring
WTF review of The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers
WTF review of The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King
Fernby Films review of The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey
Bar Angels and Boozehounds, the time has come yet again to waste some of your hard earned beer money on other people who won’t be able to contain their disappointment when they open the presents you bought with cash you should’ve spent on cheap tequila and that one heavy chick who wears a bikini top to the bar even if it’s winter and you live in Duluth.
What’s even worse than this torture? Well, for me it’s going through this sober, but for you normal drunks? The worst part is trying to hide the disenchantment you feel when you open yet another bag of dress socks that only reminds you that you have to go back to the office after the festivities have ended in a gut wrenching hangover.
Fret no more, dear Patronizers, i’ve compiled a list here of shit you can ask for so that all you have to do is share this with loved ones so that you can be sure to get more than slapped this holiday season.
10 Gifts on a Drunk’s Pissed List
Ways to smuggle booze
This year, why not own up to the fact you’re so much of an alcoholic you can’t go anywhere without an emergency supply? Here are some ways to live that dream.
1. Fake Tampons: Because licking your tampon looks less suspicious than sneaking a nip from a flask
2. Wine Rack (AKA the best named gift of the lot): Because sometimes a girl wants to suck her own breasts
3. Drunk Driver: Because everyone would die of shock if they saw alcohol on a golf course
Bottle Clothes
More popular in Europe than Elvis, trust me.
4. Because sometimes you don’t want a bottle of red, you want a bottle of redneck
5. Because sometimes your vodka gets chilled
Ass Gifts
Every boozer needs a reminder that they are not the most useless thing on the planet.
6. One-handed bottle opener: So much faster and easier than a no-handed bottle opener – your date.
7. Beer Can Holder: Yeah, I wouldn’t want be seen touching a can of Coors Light, either.
Gifts That Get You
Here are two gifts that you don’t need to get because they get you – on a fun-da-mental level.
8. Spill-proof Martini Glass: Because you want to be able to sip that Cosmo while having sex in the city
9. Spill-proof Wine Glass: Not as efficient as the sippy cup i used to use, but more socially acceptable. Ok, a little more socially acceptable.
Alcohol Test
Bottle Vise Puzzle: For those alcoholics who aren’t just practicing but experts at it, here’s something that’ll make you think before you open the next bottle.
Bonus Gift
Because it’s Christmas, here’s my gift to you: a bonus idea.
Beef Straw: If you can’t find any online, just let me know, i have a meat straw you can borrow (but you’ll have to suck hard and long before anything comes out)
As of right now, 403 patronizers have found there way into the Bar None, and you can add one more because i’m here with you. i know you have the choice of a lot of places to go and get shit faced today, and that you chose my corner of the internet means a lot to me. May the season find you happy and safe and full of a lot of cheer. Though maybe not as much as Santa.
But before we pass on to that… From the juiced-box and dedicated to Kris ‘Krispy’ Kringle: Big & Rich – Drunk on Christmas
[Press ‘Play’ for “Santa, I’ve got the family blues…I need some Christmas spirit, and by spirit I mean booze“]
Want more of the same? Here’s a Bar None Christmas juiced-box play with yourself list:
As nothing’s too good for my Patronizers, i supply a lot of nothing. And i’m not the only one. Remember the Bar None Piss List from yesterday? Guess who stocks that party.
Santa Drunk in the Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper
Santa Claus
But wait, what’s wrong with Santa this year? Is he bummed because he confused your wish list with his shit list? Not exactly, but when this photo of him punishing a girl who’d been extra naughty surfaced…
…he found himself in water hot enough to send Mrs Claus into a meltdown.
i still don’t get what she sees in him, though, because he’s this obese reindeer fucker and she’s hot enough to melt Frosty.
Ms Claus
Mrs Claus standing up for my favorite charity: Free The Nipple
But how did Santa get so fucked up? What about his little helpers? Well, about that…
Them elves is some mischievous little fuckers. And Famous.
Elves
Naya Rivelfa
Will Ferrelf
Welf Wheaton
From all of me at the Bar None, thank you for patronizing me this year, and i’m looking forward to serving you all through 2015.
Welcome You know me… And if you don’t I’m Al K Hall, the tender bartender here at the bar none. Al K Hall the, member of the D-generation (d as in drunk) and founder of D. R. I. N. K. E. R. S. (Drunks really independent now known as exiles reunited, Temporal Functional Alcoholic Slurperson
i also run the Bar None website for show notes
Welcome to my first ever pod cask
i’m not gonna waste too much of your time 15 minutes or so
Format
Booze Nooze all that’s shit to print about drinkers and drinking
Booze Revooze a drinkers skewed view of movies
The juiced-box: songs, ballads, ditties, tunes that leave us thinking about drinking
All you gotta do is sit back, put your feet up make yourself at home an what can i get you to drink?
Body That sound means it’s time for Booze Nooze – all the news that’s shit to print
Serving this first: i’m looking for a name for the pod cask. Please go to thebarnone.me and leave a comment if you have any suggestions
Audio Dregs – the pirate pod cask
The Dregs full pod cask
If you have anything better, and i’m sure you do ‘cause y’all are a lot way more intelligenter than i am, leave your suggestions in the tips jar, which is what we call the comments section at the Bar None
Booze Nooze
Yo-Uh Oh! This singer, who knows even less about Martin Luther King Jr than i do unless MLK’s dream really was all about the “Success is all I see, I want the finer things” was Ervin McKiness aka Inkyy aka Jew’elz). You’ll find the full video and link to the original article at thebarnone.me. His story dates back to September 2, 2012 OK, this isn’t news but it’s news to me. Labor day 2012, this young rapper Ervin McKiness, 21 in SoCal tweets quote Drunk af going 120 drifting corners #FuckIt YOLO unquote In human language this translates into Drunk as fuck, going 120 miles an hour, drifting the car around corners. Fuck it, you only live once. And to prove the point, the car crashed killing him and four other people. To be fair to McKiness, he probably wasn’t driving the car, but the irony of his last tweet being YOLO isn’t as lost as his phone probably is. Stay with me here, while i pay tribute to YOLO, which is teen text shorthand for “Hold my beer and watch this.”
From YOLO, which stands for You Only Live Once, it’s a short trip to
YODO You only die once and then
You-DODO You only die once dear oaf which brings up
YODA You only die (asshat) and then
YONO you oughta not over do it and we’ll wrap it up with
YOYO You obliterated your opportunities
Free the Twins – Heidi Creamer (and i know you would if could because she’s half a twin) got the police called on her ass last December because she lives in Florida and not just that, she also got in a fight with her twin sister, Holly. Proving that two heads are not necessarily better than one. Heidi it seems punched, scratched and pulled Holly’s hair in the apartment the dynamic duo share with Heidi’s vag pal and a dildo. i know this because the police report stated that the altercation was over Heidi’s boyfriend and a sex toy. i’m guessing the boyfriend and the dildo wanted to include Holly in the action and sample the refreshments two fisted.
More Drunk Twins
Heidi mug shot
Heidi or Holly – Can we ever be sure?
Celebrity Dregs
Yes barmaids and beerhounds, that sound means it’s time for celebrity dregs, which are the same as the other dregs just more famous.
Oh my Lorde! Last November, my sweeeet Lorde won every award at the Vodafone New Zealand Music Awards. To be fair, her only competition was sheep. Universal records threw a party for their star GOOD Lorde, who at the time was 18 by 2 weeks. Basically, Universal spent $80,000 getting a teenage girl drunk, which makes her the most expensive date in New Zealand. To be fair, the runner up was a sheep. I love ewe. The surprising thing is that they probably didn’t spend this money on peppermint schnapps and wine coolers, but champagne and other grown up drinks. Hats off to the record company, ‘cause I see what y’all are doing – trying to get a teenage girl drunk to take advantage of her…financially. In a tribute, here’s Dear LoRDE covering Kanye’s Hold My Liquor.
Win all the awards!!!!!!!!
Booze Revooze of Run All Night
You don’t know what that sound means because this is the first pod cask, but that’s the introduction to Booze Revooze – A drinker’s skewed view of movies guaranteed spoiler free. Today i’m gonna review Run All Night because once again we here in YeMAN got a movie two days before y’all in the States.
You know how you drunk ride through the city at 3am with a good friend behind the wheel and you settle back into the shotgun seat with the streets as empty as the beer cans rolling at your feet while your driver accelerates and you feel great with the view washing over you. Because the city is always exciting and no matter when or where you are you settle back in the car knowing it and the drink will take you far, there’s always something going on while you race the dawn never feeling sick and never feeling tired. The trip is one you’ve taken before and what you’re seeing is nothing new but the ride is good and the buzz will see you through until the end of the road you’re on where you run down dawn. That mother fuckers is exactly what Run All Night was like.
i don’t know if you noticed this or not, but Liam Neeson has decided to remake the same fucking movie over and over again. And that movie is already Taken but that didn’t stop him from making Taken Two or Taken Three. Run All Night is the same shit different night but whatever, it’s a better night than anything he’s done since Taken. This is a night you might forget, but at least it’s a good time while you’re in it. 3 shots out of 5
Juiced box Fifth in the Floor “Whiskey”
Conclusion (with bar noise)
Show notes for the audio dregs are found at thebarnone.me filed under Audio Dregs Pirate Pod Cask #01²
There’ll be videos of the songs i posted and just to make it clear, i use songs on a don’t ask don’t tell policy, which means i don’t ask so they can’t tell me no. That said, if you own the song and want me to take it down, you can email me at 69alkhall@gmail.com and i’ll see what i can do.
You’ll also find an outline of the script i ignored while putting this shit together
And at the bottom are my drawers, an online repository for NSFW photos tied to the stories (Sexy but no nudity… Usually) That’s my suppository and I’m sticking to it. This week you’ll be able to find photos of sexy twins, drunk twins and i don’t mean the ones from Minnesota, hot shots of Lorde as well as a wallpaper of Joel Kinnaman the young male lead from Run All Night and another of Liam Neeson for those of you who prefer your nights hard to wet
Imma also include the links to the stories i stole for the Booze Nooze
Song that started us out was Twin Atlantic – Yes I was Drunk, the rap song was Dreams by Inkyy, there was a Lorde cover of Hold My Liquor originally by Kanyé West and the official Juiced-box song this week which the real fucking group even let me use officially was Whiskey by the inimitable Fifth on the Floor. There’ll be links to their website and Facebook page in the show notes.
Drunk ‘High’ School Girls Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper
Today’s special is Binge Drinking, including all you can drink suckaay, a Brazilian kid with all he couldn’t drink, and a pool of Jägermeister and when i say pool i mean swimming pool. Drowning in the dregs today we got a guy who runs into a cop, literally, another who sleeps through his breathalyzer, Shia LaBoeuf – in the celebrity dregs – graduates from booze school, Scott Disick turns out to be a nice guy, and laying down in my drawers we got a wallpaper of drunk high school girls, Lana Del Rey and Krysten Ritter from the Booze Revooze of Big Eyes.
Audio Dregs Pirate Pod Cask #03
You can either click ‘Play’ to listen to it online…
As i don’t include pictures of under age girls in the Drawers, here’s some shots of Addy Miller, who played “Young Krissi Cates” in the movie. Interesting fact, she was also the little girls zombie with the teddy bear in the first ever episode of The Walking Dead.
Juiced Box
The Pretty Reckless – My Medicine (Live from Rock Am Ring 2011)
…or right click the above link and ‘save link as’ download the mp3 file for your player
The music from the Pod Cask
Special shout out to Crown Colony for agreeing to associate their kick ass grunge with the likes of the Bar None. Check out their Facebook Page or website and mention my name to get a free blank stare.
i’m guessing the Pitts were hanging out on their private plane and Brad was guzzling jet fuel or whatever the rich drink for kicks, when he started getting mean drunk. Vadgelina made some remark that set him (or maybe the jet fuel) off and then Maddox stepped in to take his mom’s side. Unfortunately, this made Brad turn on his kid and that’s when Angelina cut the cord.
Anyway, if y’all take the time to read the above link, you’ll have to agree i’m at least as psychic as i am psychotic. Which is what i always say. Just like “Thanks for patronizing me”.
What do you think? Did they split because of the booze or because Brad decided he wanted to French kiss Marion Cotillard?
If you’re here for the hot babes then i’ve got some Vadgelina:
You know how i stopped writing this blog when Hell froze over because that was the only way i’d ever leave the Bar None? Well, Hell must’ve just thawed because there is only one convergence of events that would’ve ever got me back here and against all the odds and ends, the stars miraculously aligned.
You see that glass in front of them?
And when i say “stars”, i of course mean Cara Delevingne (or Cara Delavagina as she’s known around here and other parts) and Amber Heard who aligned and are still aligning like wild cats, i bet. And that image is hot enough to melt even a Hell that froze over. Which brings us back to why i’m here right now.
Not only did the two hottest women on the planet get together, they are doing it in a bar and of course they are! Where else would they get the right motivation to take the party horizontal? It was exactly how things started between Cara and Michelle Rodriguez and don’t tell me you don’t remember that gorgeous debacle.
An unforgettable kiss she won’t remember
Camber (yep, i created that and you heard it here first) hung out together on Monday, September 19th, first at a bar named after what models say to each other to start a conversation (SoHo) and then to a different bar called LouLou. By the way, both of these clubs are too exclusive to even think about accepting folk like you and me, trust me, i’ve tried.
Turns out Amber and Cara are getting over their exes by getting on each other. Amber is still trying to salvage her reputation after getting busted for lying about Johnny Depp and Cara just broke up with a girl called Saint Vincent of all things.
The other women
My only concern is, when these two break up, where will they go to console themselves? They’re each already tapping the epitome of female beauty, so they have nowhere to go but down. Which is where they’re going anyway, so at least they know the way.
But you know Johnny Depp is kicking the shit out of himself because if he could’ve held on for a few more weeks, he had a shot at the threesome of the century.
i don’t know if you know or not because she’s not really a Bar None type of gal, but there’s this girl singer called Selena Gomez. You might remember her from when she made an appearance her in Spring Breakers where she played a good girl going bad. If you missed that one, though, no big deal because all you have to do is look at her life. She’s pulling that same shit there.
Selena Gomez in the Bar None Wallpaper: Click on the shot for a wallpaper
Which is to say she’s in rehab. Officially she’s in rehab for “depression” but you and i aren’t as stupid as you look and we know rehab for depression isn’t a real thing.
What’s saddest is not this excuse we’re hearing or the fact her peeps are blaming it in her lupus or the downers she’s downing our the booze she’s swigging… No, what’s saddest is that she’s in withdrawal, and even sadder still is what she’s in withdrawal from: Justin Bieber. Swear to god, she got addicted to his scrawny ass that’s moved way on down the road and there she is still stuck in the same rut she was in when they were together. When you can’t move on, you need to do something to kill time and for most folk that means killing yourself with drink and drugs.
Of course Selena’s addicted to depression because she’s addicted to the alcohol that took her down and is continuing to hold her there at rock bottom. Here’s a dry toast to hoping rehab helps her to pick herself up and move on…
Why couldn’t she get addicted to Cara Delevingne like the rest of us?
You know you get drunk at home on a weeknight? The evening starts out with a cocktail of three fingers of Jack black label in a dirty glass while you watch local news and kick your shoes off without untying the laces. You get your TV dinner out of the microwave and eat off your lap while watching reruns and gulping swigs of 3.2 beer. For desert you scoop ice cream out of the soggy carton and shovel it directly into your mouth while your t-shirt keeps slipping over your belly and you have to pause between bites to burp. This absolutely mundane experience that replays on your living room sofa every night is exactly what Jack Reacher was like.
“I see you ordered the re-hash.”
Jack Reacher: Never Go Back missed a good opportunity to be direct-to-DVD. The story is less interesting than most tv series i watch and reminds me of an old episode from some late 90s cop show. The action was lifted from a Starsky & Hutch rerun, the jokes were from some Saturday morning cartoon and the New Orleans set was so obviously back-lot Hollywood that I expected some NCIS agent to step out of the shadows to make a bust.
A Cheap Shot
It’s just all so disappointing. i’m trying damned hard to be the only man left in the world who doesn’t hate Tom Cruise for something but it’s getting harder and harder to say, “Yeah, but did you see him in Tropic Thunder? He was cool as fuck!” Plus he’s getting old and there were some scenes where the CGI wasn’t enough to scrub his wrinkles.
“Who you calling ‘Fat Face’?”
And this is the thing that bugged me the most… i wanted to like it. As i agree with Saint Pauly over at the competition’s blog that John Wick was a waste of celluloid, i was hoping Tom would cruise in and build off the excitment he tried to rub out in the first Jack Reacher. Already that one had a hard enough time delivering the goods with any kind of consistency, but then this one came along and was even slower? WTF!? Hell, i’m not even sad for me, i’m sad for Cobie Smulders who’s as cool as hell and broke out of How I Wasted Six Seasons of Your Life Meeting Your Dead Mother to be a famous movie star and then ends up as a bit player in the Marvel Comical Universe and gets short changed on roles in films like this one. Let’s give her the credit she deserves, Barmaids and Beerhounds!
Basically, if you’re in the mood to watch a tv show at the movies, this is a movie for you.
Buzz Kills (Watch Out for Spoilers)
Sex: 2 Shots
There was no shortage of lovely ladies in the film but unfortunately, the boring-ness [it wasn’t a word but it is now – get over it] got in the way and was so distracting it was hard to appreciate the beauty and talent of Marvel Avengers Maria Hill (AKA Cobie Smulders).
There’ll be more shots of her in my drawers, down below
There was even a scene in a motel toward the beginning where she walked around in a military reinforced bra for a couple of minutes, but if you want the sexy, you should stay here instead.
Jack Reacher also had a teen interest (like a love interest but a teen included not for romance but inserted into movies as millennial magnets) in the guise of the very cute Danika Yarosh, which is slavic for this:
There’ll be shots of her in the drawers, as well
Finally, the young and attractive Madalyn Horcher played Sgt. Leach, a young non-com who never got sexier than her military fatigues so y’all came to the right place to catch this kind of action.
The ever so lovely Abbie Gayle made an appearance as “Senior Girl #1” and the film was all the better for it. Maybe they should’ve put her in more often and longer to make the film as good as this shot looks.
Drink: 0 shots
The complete and total absence of alcohol was a little disturbing, to be honest – and i’m a teetotaler.
Rock & Roll: 2 shots
Not nearly as much action as you deserve.
Boring Technical Crap
Written by:
Lee Child for the book
Richard Wenk, Edward Zwick, and Marshall Herskovitz for the screenplay
Directed by: Edward Zwick
Starring
Cobie Smulders – Susan Turner
Danika Yarosh – Samantha Dayton
Madalyn Horcher – Sgt. Leach
Tom Cruise – Jack Reacher
Aldis Hodge – Espin
Bottom Line
See the first one again or wait for John Wick 2, but leave this one alone until it comes on your favorite website.
The Drawers (NSFW)
Be warned that the shots that follow are of the sexy nature, so if you’re looking at it with bosses or kids (or a boss who is a kid) around then you have no one to blame except your curiosity. Because i just warned your ass.
You know how you get drunk with your best friend? You wake up early and take a long shower and grab an unhealthy breakfast on your way to work and you try to pay attention but it’s so goddamn boring so you write down to-do lists of things you’ll never do and do this in every fucking meeting until lunch time when you eat something that upsets your stomach not enough to make you sick but enough you feel like shit but still you return to your desk all afternoon and then you go home and the traffic’s not too bad so you park and then you sit down on the sofa in front of the tv and you almost nod off and why not, you don’t have any plans but then your friend texts you and says to go out and you’ve got nothing better to do so you debate taking a shower and decide it’s a good idea (if you’re a girl) or that it’s not worth it (if you’re a guy) and then you get dressed and head out and get drunk. That’s what Doctor Strangewas like: all back story and build up and not enough action.
i had high hopes for this movie and it turns out i should’ve been the one high and not my hopes because this movie is trippy as fuck. Which you would think would be a good thing until you see it and then you realize it’s some kind of 70s acid flashback, much like the comic itself.
There was even this one scene i won’t talk about because spoilers but it went on too long in the same way the card scene in Now You See Me 2 went on too long. Plus it was too hippy, even for me, and I have a “high” tolerance for hippy, no pun intended even if I put it in quotes so you didn’t miss it.
But apart from that, it was perfect, right? Welllllll, not so much. My main complaint about the Doctor wasn’t his drugs but his life story. They spent so much time on his origins and his background and his back story that i felt like i was at a fucking history lecture and not a movie. By the time “Make Me” Mads Mikkelsen arrives to kick the story into gear, everyone’s pretty much already gone to sleep.
But apart from the 70sr style and long ass explanations, the movie was really good. They stole special effects from Inception and stole them super well because it looked cool as hell. The directing was decent and the actors did a great job. Benedict Cumberbatch and his American accent were good enough that people may even start being able to remember and pronounce his name.
My final verdict is you should see the movie. A 3 out of 5 isn’t bad unless it’s your final grade because 60% sucks, but in movie ratings it’s decent. This movie falls somewhere between the first Captain America flick and Winter Soldier, so it’s entertaining enough for at least one good watch.
Buzz Kills (Watch Out for Spoilers)
Sex: 1½ shots
Poor little Rachel McAdams had to carry all the sex appeal of this movie by herself and she’s the kind of good looking that can do it, but it was hard because she was in doctor’s scrubs the whole damn time and not looking enough like this.
Rachel McAdams Wallpaper (Click on the shot for a wallpaper)
Drink: 1 shot
The only, and i swear to god this is true, drink reference in the whole fucking film comes during the after-credits scene where Doctor Strange is hanging out with Thor. He asks Thor if he wants some tea, but Thor says he doesn’t like tea so the Doctor magically changes the tea cup into a giant beer stein and refills it again after Thor chugs the first one. ☕ ⇒
Benedict Cumberbatch in the Bar None Wallpaper (Click on the image for a wallpaper)
Rock & Roll: 2 shots
The action wasn’t as good as the special effects, that’s for sure. And the special effects were so good i was kinda bummed i saw it in 2D, especially the scene where Stephen Strange has an LSD drug trip. i know i said it was too long, but what I meant was, while the scene looked cool, it didn’t fit in with the rest of the movie. And it was too long.
Boring Technical Crap
Written by:
Steve Ditko (comic)
Jon Spaihts, Scott Derrickson, C. Robert Cargill (screenplay)
Directed by: Scott Derrickson
Starring
Tilda Swinton – The Ancient One
Rachel McAdams – Christine Palmer
Benedict Cumberbatch – Dr. Stephen Strange
Mads Mikkelsen – Kaecilius
Chiwetel Ejiofor – Mordo
Benedict Wong – Wong
Bottom Line
Watch it to say you did, but then watchBatman v Superman again instead of rewatching this one.
Another Round
Booze Revooze of Tom Reaching
Audio dregs pirate pod cask of another Marvel-ous movie
What follows, Barmaids and Beerhounds, it’s even less fit for human eyes than what you’ve already seen, and on top of that it’s NSFW. If you read on, you have no one to blame but your hormones.
Being the imperfect gentleman that i am, i’ll start off with a little one for the ladies (at least that’s what i always tell them). Here’s some shots of the Cumberbatch…
Benedict Cumberbatch
Benedict Cumberbatch Wallpaper (Click on the image for a wallpaper)
Written by:
Bar Angels and Boozehounds, the time has come yet again to waste some of your hard earned beer money on other people who won’t be able to contain their disappointment when they open the presents you bought with cash you should’ve spent on cheap tequila and that one heavy chick who wears a bikini top to the bar even if it’s winter and you live in Duluth.
