From the juiced-box and the soundtrack: Skrillex – Scary Monsters and Nice Sprites

[Press 'Play' for some moody music to read by]

You know what? And i know you don’t else i wouldn’t have asked, Spring Broke early in Yeaman so i got to see the goodies weeks before any Yanks. This is to make up for the fact we got Django Unchained months late. Anyway, read this and weep or get wet another way while checking out the screen shots i got.

Yes, i did get a new phone, thanks for noticing.

Ramblings: One Hot Spring

Final Proof: 2½ Shots

You know how you get drunk with a popcorn bowl full of Gummi Bears? Sure they’re good and even give your buzz a buzz cuz of all the extra sugar but the problem is you can’t stop eating them just like you can’t stop drinking and you realize there is such a thing as too much of a good thing especially when both of them together don’t mix but make you a little sick to your stomach so you sit there uncomfortably on your stool trying to hide your spontaneous erection with a cock-tail napkin that’s a layer too small while you fight not to throw up all at the same time. That’s exactly what Spring Breakers was like.

Jail Bait

To help put this movie in perspective for y’all, take a look at the poster up top. See the babe bent over in the pink hair? She’s 26 years old and married to a 40-year old guy…who also directed this movie. Yep, that’s where this movie is hardly coming from.

There is a reason oil and water, whiskey and firearms, or Debs at a Barely Legal convention don’t mix and Spring Breakers is it because it tries to be both a serious coming of age tale and a T&A flick but just ends up being a seriously aged coming again and again film without enough flick of her tale. Harmony Korine (the 40-year old director who brazenly ignores the “½ your age + 7″ rule) tried to make Scarface meets The Hangover but instead of getting the art of Scarface and the humor of The Hangover, what he threw up on screen had the comedy of Scarface and the artistry of The Hangover.

Franco finds his dentist

But what about the actresses, you ask, you curious sins of the bitches you. They were hot if you like the finely toned, perfectly honed, willingly boned teenage girl prancing around in her bikini type but let’s face it, if Selena Gomez could act, we’d of heard about it by now. If Vanessa Hudgens was an actress, she’d have acted in Sucker Punch. If Ashley Whatshername was talented, i’d remember her last name. They were more than pretty enough for you to see the flick just for their skin as long as you don’t expect anything more, because booty is skin deep. And so is Spring Breakers.

Practice makes perfect

This was so obvious that even the Harmony (who’s a guy despite his name) realized it so he tried to edit the film around their gaps in talent but the gaps were so big the style devices (flash forwards, repeating scenes, odd lighting, extreme closeups, blurry lenses…) became the movie and looked like he was a drunk little boy who’d just discovered the effects panel on Windows Movie Maker.

The final word? An artistic movie about near teens in bikinis going gangster looks great on paper…just not on the screen

Shitting Bricks

Buzz Kills (Watch Out for Spoilers)

Sex: 4 Shots

Not a big surprise here, i know. What do you want, they parade the babes in their early 20′s in their bikinis for the whole fucking movie. Not just a lot of the fucking movie, the whole fucking movie. The actresses no doubt caught all kind of colds and shit during the filming but i don’t care what diseases they have because, like a Pokémon, i wanna to catch them all.

Wow, check out her jug!

FYI, there was too much hot for this one post so the individual shots of the actresses are smoldering over at The Girls From SPRING BREAKERS post.

i’m gonna start off with a mystery. IMDB lists the stellar Heather Morris as “Bess”, but i  didn’t recognize her anywhere in this movie. Maybe if one of y’all spot her you could leave a comment on where she was hanging out, other than right here because i don’t care if i could find her in the film as long as i could locate her in the Bar None.

Heather Morris Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper

There’ll be some drawer shots of her at the bottom of the post. Just scroll all the way down to where it says “Continue reading…” and then click.

Before i show some more skin, here’s the blow by blow:

• Opening credits is hot girls in bikinis drinking beer
• Slo-mo big breasts shaking while guys pour beer on them close-up.
• Lots of topless
• Vanessa [Hudgens] simulating fellatio
• Blonde neighbor girl. Platinum short hair. [Actually, this might be Heather Morris]
• Girls exchange kiss hits of grass
• Count money in their bras

This money makes my pussy wet. It makes my tits look bigger.

• Girls peeing together

• Coke off a flat chested girl’s naked tattooed body
• 3 way in the pool, Franco, Ashley & VH [Vanessa Hudgens], girl on girl kisses [this was a super hot scene]
• glimpses of VH topless
• André with 3 [naked] women in bed & they’re chubby chubby
• France gives head to a gun

What happens in my lap, stays in my lap

Here, then are the girls. Like i said, the solo shots of them are located in a different post, but here are the Wallpapers.

Selena Gomez Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper

Vanessa Hudgens Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper

Ashley Benson Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper

Silken Butterflies

There were Butterflies a-plenty flitting across the silver screen all too briefly and i was only able to net three of them.

Emma Holzer rocked the role of “Heather”…

Cait Taylor sparkled as “Tiffany”…

And i don’t know how the Oscar committee could have overlooked Lauren Vera’s incarnation of “Spring Breaker”…

For those of you more into Spring than Bounce, there was James Franco. Kind of.

That moment you realize the poster teeth are better than yours

James Franco Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper

Drink: 4 Shots

Dudes. It’s a movie about Spring Break. The sole remaining vestige of a Roman orgy. How could there not be booze?

Fairy Tails

• Beer
• Drinking contest where guys “pee beer” from a can into babes’ mouths
• Whiskey squirt gun, home alone in the evening (Ashley)
• SG [Selena Gomez] smoking
• [Girl] passed out in bathroom with puke filled toilet

I’m not drunk enough for that.

• Champagne bottle on the piano outside

i’ll take one to go, please.

Rock & Roll: ½ Shot

Are you kidding me? The soundtrack had a lot of shit by some act called Skillrex or something and that guys knows as much about rock as he does hair styling. There may have been some pretty decent rap but for the most part, the OST was pretty lame.

DangeRuss Slumming It

What did not make the soundtrack, however, was a cute moment when Selena Gomez and Vanessa Hudgens sing “Hit Me Baby (One More Time)” a capella while drinking.

What was less cute was James Franco rapping, but this doesn’t mean he didn’t do a good job. i thought he held his own, and i should know, i’m kind of the expert on that. But you be the judge.

[Press 'Play' for James Franco rapping with DangeRuss - Hangin' with da Dope Boys]

Unrapping

Boring Technical Crap

Written by: Harmony Korine

Find Waldo

Directed by: Harmony Korine

Starring

Selena Gomez – Faith
Ashley Benson – Brit
Vanessa Hudgens – Candy
Rachel Korine – Cotty
Heather Morris – Bess
Lauren Vera – Spring Breaker
Emma Holzer – Heather
Cait Taylor – Tiffany
James Franco – Alien

Bottom Line

Let’s be honest. Four hot nearly jailbait girls getting drunk in bikinis and shooting people is not a good idea for a movie–it’s a good idea for a religion.

Another Round

You think this was bad, you should check out…

Booze Revooze of SUCKER PUNCH

Booze Revooze of PIRANHA 3D

The Girls of Spring Breakers in the Bar None

Haven’t Had Your Fill of the Booze Revooze? Click here for another round.

Al K Hall’s Drawers

That’s the review done. If you’re still not and want to see pics of Heather Morris, click on. If you want to see pics of the other lead actresses, i keep them in a whole ‘nother drawer.

Heather Morris in the Bar None

Heather Morris in the Bar None

Haven’t Had Your Fill of the Booze Revooze? Click here for another round.

Ke$ha Wallpaper in the Bar None – Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper

Here then are the real dregs for the last week or so many other weeks that i’ve stopped counting. They’re short and sweat, just the way we like ‘em here in the Bar None where urine for a treat from Ke$ha, Bieber’s top fucks up his Karma and i cure fucking hangovers. Keep on reading, you don’t beliebe me…

[Press 'Play' for "I'm pissin' in the Dom Pérignon (C'mon let's do it now)"]

Commoner Dregs

Girl. Hungover Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper

February 20: This is Sickening

You know me (and if you don’t, i’m not the one), i hate to give bad news here ’cause i’m all about the yucks but don’t shoot the messager because i’m the guy to tell you that hangovers may stop existing.

Researchers in California (which, contrary to popular belief is not the Hangover State, that honor is reserved for Innebreity) are developing a pill that will, similar to Nicolas Cage, act like your liver.

What a disaster! No more hangovers! Who will be left to drive the porcelain bus? Who will put the technicolor in the burp? Who will call God on the big white phone?

It doesn’t stop there. What will be left to make make people promise to stop drinking? Imagine the hurt pain reliever sales will feel. The hangover is a rite of wrong every high school student needs to learn a lesson from. Just think, if there are no more hangovers, men will keep drinking Southern Comfort past their college years and women will continue to tipple peppermint schnapps if not into adulthood, at least someplace adulthood adjacent.

So protest, Barmaids and Beerhounds! Protest, i say! Go out and get your face so totally shat that you feel your essence rise high and higher from your body to the summit of the mountain of shit until the buzz stops and drops you all the way down into the deaths of despair with a hangover only suicide can cure. That’ll show those medical geeks that there is no cure for stupidity.

Celebrity Dregs

Tik Tok: Don’t stop

February 13: Urine for a Treat

There’s just weird and then there’s this and by ‘this’ i mean Ke$ha: the girl you hate to love, and pray doesn’t become a role model to your teenage daughter.

The only thing that could make her any better would be if she’d been a Disney Baby Princess in a past life but even without that you still gotta like where this is goin’ and where this is goin’ is right in her mouth because not only does the chick like to get pissed in the UK sense meaning drunk, but she drinks it too.

A pic Ke$ha posted of herself peeing

She gave this interview with a British newspaper where she talked about how she’s been partying with her little brother and his tag for 2 years and doing shit like getting drunk at 6am and drinking her own pee. Which actually makes a lot of sense and is good for the environment because it’s recycling. She gets drunk, drinks her own pee and gets drunk on the booze in her pee.

Bar None Exclusive Interview with Ke$ha

i bet that Bronson Pelletier kid is bumming as he reads this because he’s realizing he could have recycled his buzz AND avoided arrest in the airport where he peed all over the floor in public.

There’ll be some solo shots of Ke$ha filling my drawers and you’ll wanna check that out all the way down there at the bottom of this post. You can’t miss it.

March 8: A Lil Twisted

Once again i must play the part of the world’s conscience and believe me, nobody hates it more than you do, but i can’t sleep idly by when i witness such blatant prejudice against a group of people and yes, Barmaids and Beerhounds, i’m talking about drunk drivers.

Proof Bieber is a Lesbian

Never before has any group of individuals been as persecuted, prosecuted and vilified as drunk drivers. Some police officers even target drunk drivers and believe it or not, a few drunk drivers even spend years in prison!

Thank god, stars are still safe from this horrible Schlitz hunt. Vince Neil served 15 days after killing a man while drunk driving and now we have something similar but with a Lil Twist.

Bar None Artist’s Misdirection

Lil Twist (and if rappers chose anatomically correct handles, his would be “Lil Willy”) is best friends with another willy and by that i mean Justin Bieber and those two willies must be very hard to separate, they must stick together through thick and thin, they must stand tall as they come to face hardships because Bieber lets Willy drive his car no matter how many times Willy wrecks it.

There was that one time this “person” killed a paparazzi in Bieber’s car, and now he borrowed Lil Beeby’s toy sports car (it’s called a fucking “Karma” for fuck’s sake, which is only ½ step up from calling it a “Cartoon”) and drove it into cement protection poles at a…liquor store. Then they did what you and i would do in the same situation: they told all the witnesses it was Bieber’s car, threw the loose pieces in the back of a BMW and fled the scene. OK, they did what we would do if we were super rich and  douches.

A real photo of where the accident should’ve taken place

Didn’t get your fill of the dregs? i keep them on tap right here.

Al K Hall’s Drawers

From now on it’s just hot pics of Ke$ha so don’t feel you have to keep reading just to make me happy. Click on the link only for you…

Kesha in the Bar None

Kesha in the Bar None

Didn’t get your fill of the dregs? i keep them on tap right here.

Did you see the date on the poster? March 22, Barmaids and Beerhounds. And what day did i post this bad boy? March 20. Once again they decided to throw this up here in Yeaman before serving it up to a real public. Here’s the screen shot i took with my camera because i know you don’t trust me.

Ramblings: Die Hardly

Final Proof: 2½ Shots

You know how you get drunk at a family reunion? It’s always the same relatives like the stoic ex-cop uncle who drinks almost as much as you and he walks heavily like he’s got the weight of the world on his shoulders when in fact it’s just his huge fucking head, and then you have the standup dad who has a ton of responsibility but smiles shitloads and whatever happens you can be sure he’ll be the one to say grace before you can try the jello shots and over there you have your crazy sister’s latest psycho foreign boyfriend (she just won’t do domestic) who gets fucked up on import ale laced with meth and he starts threatening grandma with a spork until vet cop uncle and pastor dad beat him up then talk him down with too much talk and too much down because even if it was fun at the beginning when the fucker went whack, the rest of the evening is just a lot of drunken boring ass chat and you remember too late that every fucking family reunion is exactly like this and you make a mental note never to put yourself through this shit again but you’ll forget once more as soon as someone mentions free beer. That’s what you’ll be thinking after you see Olympus Has Fallen.

“Do you want to put the ‘secret’ back in the ‘service’, Timmy?”

I’m going to tell you a secret nobody wants you to know. OHF is a remake of the first Die Hard.

How does OHF measure up? Not anywhere near as good as the first Die Hard, but streaks in your underwear ahead of the A Good Day to Die Hard.

The problem is that, ironically enough, it starts off  kind of good, like A Good Day To Die Hard because when they do the action it really rocks and rocks hard. But then they decide there aren’t enough clichés (*cough* troubled marriage *cough*) and so they have to go back and it takes a long time for Antoine “Fuck ya” Fuqua to put all of them in (here are some high fives in the control room for you) and he’s so worried about inserting every single last fucking cliché (patriotic speech at the end, anyone?)  he can find that he totally forgets to include some good shit, too.

Hates it when they wax the front porch

You know how good movie reviewers have started talking about different parts of movies? Well, i’m not good enough to do that yet but i can say without spoiling anything that there are 3 parts and the 2nd one where they take over the White House is cool as fucking hell. Before that? If you want to have a pee and a popcorn and arrive 10 minutes late you won’t miss anything. Seriously, how long does it take to set up what we already know is going to happen because it’s on the fucking poster!?

“As soon as it’s safe, turn around.”

After they take over the White House and Butler has to go all John McClane on everybody’s ass, “Fuckya” decides he wants to throw more WTF moments than you can count into the mix but i’m not going to go into that here because they include spoilers. Suffice to say, if you want to go home early and read more of my blog, do it—there’s at least as much shit here as there is in the film.

“No, Ma’am, you don’t understand. It’s not harassment if you’re ugly.”

Buzz Kills (Watch Out for Spoilers)

Sex: 1 Shot

Yeah, there was nothing resembling anything sexual in this movie. The closest we get is Secretary of Defense Ruth McMillan (Melissa Leo) in a silk underthing over her bra.

Oppa Gangbang Style

Other than that, there are some very beautiful women in the movie, but it’s an “action” movie which means men just want to watch other men get hot and sweaty and wrestle with other.

But you know me, and if you don’t i’m the one who invented donner pizza, i’m all about the soft side of life so let’s get started off on that foot right away with both of Radha Mitchell’s soft sides.

Radha Mitchell Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper

She has the coolest beauty marks on her neck, swear to god. If you want more proof of that, there’s some single shots of her down below in my drawers, just scroll to the end of the post and you’ll find ‘em lingering there.

There was also the delicious Angela Basset who played a politician type of woman but i didn’t care about that as much as i cared about this.

Angela Basset Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper

There’s drawer shots of her as well.

Rounding things up, way up, is Ashley Judd who plays the First Lady and when you see these shots, you’ll see why she comes First. Although you probably will. Anyway, get a fill of her here because she’s not in the movie as much as you’d like.

Ashley Judd Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper

i also stuffed my drawers with some single shots of her down below, too.

Silken Butterflies

Making an all too brief appearance as “Nurse” is the always lovely Amber Dawn Landrum, who is always as lovely as this:

Not to mention the amazing Malana Lea, who played Lim, and she was. See?

Drink: 0

Not a drop.

Rock & Roll: 2½ Shots

Like i already said, there was lots of cool rock and roll action for the fight scene but before and after that there was just a lot of nothing. And absolutely no rock in the soundtrack. Not even the mandatory single during the credits. The one cliché i don’t mind so much…

“Sorry, sir, your arm is falling off. Let me get that for you.”

Boring Technical Crap

Written by: Creighton Rothenberger & Katrin Benedikt

Directed by: Antoine Fuqua

Starring

Angela Bassett – Secret Service Director Lynn Jacobs
Melissa Leo – Secretary of Defense Ruth McMillan
Radha Mitchell – Leah
Malana Lea – Lim
Amber Dawn Landrum – Nurse
Gerard Butler – Mike Banning
Aaron Eckhart – President Benjamin Asher
Finley Jacobsen – Connor
Dylan McDermott – Forbes
Rick Yune – Kang
Morgan Freeman – Speaker Trumbull

Bottom Line

If you gotta see it, leave after they kill the South Korean President. If you don’t gotta see it, watch Die Hard instead.

Another Round

Haven’t Had Your Fill of the Booze Revooze? Click here for another round.

Al K Hall’s Drawers

That’s it for the text, nothing left now but pictures of the hotties.

Angela Basset

Radha Mitchell

Radha Mitchell hot in the Bar None

Ashley Judd

Ashley Judd in the Bar None

Haven’t Had Your Fill of the Booze Revooze? Click here for another round.

From the juiced-box and the soundtrack: The Four Horsemen – Back In Business Again

[Press 'Play' for some fuckers back for another round]

i got lucky again, if “lucky” means seeing this one day before it was released in the States. If it doesn’t mean that, then i got whatever the word for seeing it in Yeaman first is.

Here’s the shots off my cell phone as proof.

Ramblings: G.I. Joe: Retail Nation

Final Proof: 3 Shots

You know how you get drunk with a pizza delivery guy? He shows up on time and decides to come in and have a brew with you and he’s only just a kid but cool enough and after all he did bring the fucking pizza. Sure, all he did was bring what you ordered but how often have you ordered a pizza and they get the order wrong and it’s got pineapple or fish or some shit on it or they bring it way too late or sometimes they don’t even bring it at all? At least this guy really brings it. He brings the pizza and it’s not an awesome pizza, hell, it’s not even a great pizza and it’s not like they surprise you with extra ingredients or a hot delivery chick or free beer, you get just what you ordered and you ordered what you wanted so you end up getting what you wanted which is more than you can say for a lot of drunk pizza delivery guys. G.I. Joe: Retaliation is exactly like that pizza: simple fare but fare enough.

Cue Ball + Crystal Ball = 2 big balls

Yeah, i hesitated between 2½ and 3 shots but i decided to round up for a couple reasons. Like i didn’t expect much and i wasn’t disappointed, which actually doesn’t always happen. Like with The Expendables, i went expecting a basic action movie and i saw an ugly chick flick.

It’s simple, when i see an action movie i want rock and roll, special effects, and action. Lots of fucking action. G.I. Joe: Retaliation delivers all of that. Nothing more, but what they delivered is fulfilling enough that i left satisfied.

The story was easy to follow and didn’t need tons of talk to set it up. The costumes and sets were often kind of cool, the fight scenes weren’t boring and there were enough of them, the actors were above average for the genre, and the special effects didn’t look too fake.

Street Fighter flashback, anyone?

Some things were hard to swallow, of course. Like the code names these poor Joes are stuck with are downright embarrassing. i can’t imagine the shame of the G.I. Joe cotillion when people have to walk around with name tags that say, “Roadblock”, “Firefly” or “Storm Shadow”. A couple of WTF moments left a bad taste in my mouth (Welshman Jonathan Pryce as President of the United States? A country where the President can replace his entire staff with Nazis over night and everyone obeys with 100% commitment simly because he’s the President?) but this is a pizza movie so i’m not gonna bitch because i can’t have my cake and eat it, too.

An Welsh president? Only in America

Buzz Kills (Watch Out for Spoilers)

Sex: 2 shots

Yes, there was a slather (yes it’s a word, it’s spelled s-l-a-t-h-e-r) of Silken Butterflies and Elodie Yung is French so that’s another bonus point but the 2 shots here is all Adrianne Palicki (as “Lady Jaye”). While i was looking up pictures of her for this post, i saw her progress from this cute young woman who posed in provocative pics to launch (among other things) her career and then i saw she’s been in more doomed pilots than a gay World War II Flying Ace. Wonder Woman, Aquaman, The Robinsons: Lost In Space…

“My 3rd eye mole is up here.”

That she’s beautiful is obvious but watching her on screen i saw a natural charm and a down to earth spark that lit me up. She was born in fucking Toleda, for chrissake. Is she the girl next door? Don’t fuckin’ know, but she can sure as shit act like it and she’s an actress, after all, so if she’s good enough to act like she is then i’m buying into the myth conception.

Starting with this.

Adrianne Palick Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper

There’s tons more single shots of her down in my drawers. Just keep scrolling down until you hit my pay dirty.

Plus like i already said, Elodie Yung was in this as Jinx and she’s so cute she could be French. Because she is. Plus she’s Elodie Yung, which she is too. This is what i mean.

Elodie Yung Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper

There’s more shots of her in my drawers with Adrianne down there. ↓

Silken Butterflies

There was a slather (see? would i have used it twice if it wasn’t a real word?) of lovely ladies who were in the movie just long enough to wet our…whistles and to leave us wanting more.

First up are the amazing Joanna Leeds and Elana Justin who both star as interns.

Joanna Leeds

Elana Justin

Then there was the incredible Tiffany Lonsdale who appeared as the “British Expert”.

Tiffany Lonsdale in the Bar None

Finally, is the tragically uncredited Brittney Alger who played the pivotal role of Bartender #1.

Is she not adorable? i’ma hit her up for an interview to make up for the fact she was uncredited in the movie. i’ll give her credit where credit is due, ‘swhat i’m saying.

Here’s the blow by blow of the sex in the movie:

• She [Adrianne Palicki] bends over in shorts, half jogging shirt & she’s fit
• Her [Adrianne Palicki] in a red dress changing out of it into t-shirt with sexy black lingerie [while Flint watches her by her reflection in a TV screen]

Not enough sex on TV

• Her [Adrianne Palicki] in jeans from behind. Oh my…

Drink: 0 Shots

How do you know it’s PG-13? We toast with water.

Square this one away and get me a beer.

–The short-lived Duke to a subordinate concerning a nuclear missile after a mission

• Champagne at presidential roast

“When I stand up, you’ll get the bottle back again.”

Rock & Roll: 3½ Shots

The action was good and a couple times it was even semi-original which was way more than i could’ve hoped for.

Add to that a decently hard soundtrack by some guy named Henry Jackman, plus the song at the top and now this one that came in during the credits. The Heavy – How You Like Me Now

[Press 'Play' for how you like me now]

Boring Technical Crap

Written by: Rhett Reese & Paul Wernick

Directed by: Jon M. Chu

Helmets with Spit Guards

Starring

Adrianne Palicki – Jaye
Elodie Yung – Jinx
Joanna Leeds – Intern
Elana Justin – Intern
Tiffany Lonsdale – British Expert
Brittney Alger – Bartender #1 (uncredited)
Dwayne Johnson – Roadblock
Jonathan Pryce – President
Byung-hun Lee – Storm Shadow
Ray Stevenson – Firefly
D.J. Cotrona – Flint
Channing Tatum – Duke

Bottom Line

Basic meat lovers pizza: a little cheesy but not totally tasteless.

Another Round

Booze Revooze: MI: GHOST PROTOCOL

Booze Revooze: THE EXPENDABLES

Haven’t Had Your Fill of the Booze Revooze? Click here for another round.

Al K Hall’s Drawers

The text is done and so am i. It’s late and i’ve been power putting this together to get it ready for a same-day posting so i’ll shut up now and give you the photos of the ladies and nothing else.

Adrianne Palicki

Adrianne Palicki in the Bar None

Elodie Yung

Haven’t Had Your Fill of the Booze Revooze? Click here for another round.

Scottish Girls Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper

Mini dregs today as we’re just taking a little trip to a little island called the UK which has a lot of little towns called Wales, England, Scotland, Ireland and Northern Ireland which is the right or wrong side of the tracks depending which side of the tracks you were born on. Anyway, today’s dregs are brought to you by Ireland and Scotland, where the best present you can buy those sheep farmers is velcro gloves.

From the juiced-box and dedicated to the residents of Kerry: Afroman – Drive Better Drunk

[Press 'Play' for "Don't touch my keys when the party's over / I drive better drunk than you do sober" aka the New Irish National Anthem]

Commoner Dregs

January 21, 2013: Kerry On, my wayward son

Drunk Driving: Before

If you read my last dregs not only are you a star but you were also exposed to my huge cock sure diatribe against the prejudice that exists concerning drunk drivers. In an era where we are trying to be more and more open to different lifestyle choices, humanity still maintains an ornery attitude towards drunk drivers.

i don’t know about y’all but at least someone read what i wrote and is willing to do something about it. i’m speaking specifically about Kerry (as in  ‘Kerry me home’), Ireland where local law enforcement has decided to reduce the instances of drunk driving with an ingenious concept. If you want fewer drunk drivers on the road, simply raise the limit of legally drunk.

Drunk Driving: After

i know, right? i’ll help you move, ’cause that’s just the kind of (Temporal) Functional Alcoholic Slurpreson i am.

January 9: There’s an app for fat

Those Scottish never cease to amaze me. The country that has it all (and won’t share any of it with you) decided to release a free app so people can see the effects of alcohol on their looks over an extended period of time. Did i say people? i didn’t mean people, i meant women. Because the app is only designed for women.

Scottish Girl Drinking: Before

Apparently Scottish men already look old and fat in their teenage years so this app would only work for them when they’re first old enough to drink, like at 8 years old.

In other news, the exact same app is also being marketed under other names like “What happens when you eat Scottish food” or “what women look like after you marry them”.

Scottish Girl Drinking: After

Bar None Dregs

Go here for a complete list of all my websites on one page so you don’t miss out on any of my shit.

All About Al K Hall

Didn’t get your fill of the dregs? i keep them on tap right here.

Wait, the poster says May 3 and this was posted April 25? Yep, once again Yeaman caught some action before y’all in the United States. What, you don’t believe me? That kind of attitude is exactly why i take these shitty photos on my phone and make them into a child’s school-made Mother’s Day card collage.

From the juiced-box and the soundtrack: The Hit House – Basalt

[Press 'Play' for some instrumental rock]

Iron Man Crack House

Ramblings: A Little Rusty

Final Proof: 3 Shots

You know how you get drunk in a tux? You feel like hot shit when you put it on and you strut around feeling invincible and a lot of that feeling comes from the drink and you think you’re better than you are at first until the booze bears down on you and the night wears down on you too like you wear the suit and with every sip you feel the feeling slip away until it’s all over and you stand there naked and feel like the suit, polished on the outside, empty in the inside, all package and little soul. That’s kinda what Iron Man 3 is like.

The first thing i gotta say is, i hate reruns of Christmas episodes in the summer more than i hate just about anything and by that i mean i would rather have Justin Bieber crawl his way up into my ass, claw his way through my bowels and slide out my mouth than watch A Very Special Holiday Episode of Dexter. Like Die Hard, Iron Man 3 is a Christmas movie and i’m not even shitting you. It’s a Christmas movie released in April / May and i have no idea what the fuck to make of that so i’m just going to pretend it isn’t happening and kick the review off right now.

Is that a suit or a new Baskin Robins flavor?

There was a lot of good here and i’ll start with that because you know how i feel about Robert Downey Jr, which is the same i feel about every mother fucker who led one hell of a fucked up life and then went sober and held it together and is watching the promises come true while at the same time being true to himself.

“I’m calling you a cab, bro.”

So. The good. The last action scene was very incredible and i wished it lasted forever. The actors, are very good, especially RDJ and Gwyneth Paltrow who i still haven’t figured out why people are always getting on her shit, because she’s hot and classy which are two words good ol’ me doesn’t use too much in the same sentence. Also, Tony Stark wimps out a little and shows his vulnerable side and this adds to his depth. All of this works.

The things that dragged me down a little were small little itty bitty things, like the plot. Tony has some PTSD after New York and The Avengers and when he talks about this shit, it reminds me that The Avengers had some serious shit go down in it and that Iron Man 3 is really just a quickie toss off to help us maintain our hardons until the orgy of The Avengers 2.

“It’s a date!”

Also, all the dialog and explanations put the “awful” back in “awful lot of talking”. i don’t give a shit why people do the action and i sure as shit don’t want to hear you explain why you do the action, i just want to see some fucking action. If this was a real comic, the page would be totally white with all the cartoon balloons, ‘swhat i’m sayin’.

The last thing i’ll whine about here is the fact that the movie is called Iron Man and we see less of Iron Man here than any other movie. It shoulda been called “Find Iron Man” because you really gotta pay attention to see him. Plus, is it me or am i crazy or all of the above, Tony Stark is Iron Man, right? If it’s just a load of empty suits flying around, doesn’t that take away from the Iron Mystique?

“Wait, why is my suit called The Piñata?”

So you should definitely see this movie because i want you to give Robert Downey Jr some money, but if you arrive a couple hours late, you won’t be missing too much.

Buzz Kills (Watch Out for Spoilers)

Sex: 1 Shots

The Six Billion Dollar Dildo

There were some beautiful actresses in this movie and some of them were even cute but as far as the skin on the screen, this was more hard up than hard on. The sexiest scene? 2 shots of Gwyneth Paltrow in a sports bra. Once she was tied up on some kind of rack and the other time she was kicking ass and liking it but i can sure as shit tell you that she was fit as hell.

Gwyneth Paltrow Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper

There’s some more shots of her down there in my drawers. Just scroll down all the way to the bottom of the post and then go a little lower.

The equally as lovely but brunette-ier Rebecca Hall did a great job acting, they just made her overdress way too much to do it. Here’s a shot to tide you over until you make it all the way down there, to my drawers.

The weird thing–OK, with me there are a lot of weird things, but this one is really weird because Yvonne Zima (Madeline’s sister) is listed in the cast but i didn’t recognize her in the movie and don’t remember anyone called “Miss Elk Ridge”. If any of y’all readers know who she is, please leave a comment and set me straighter than this wallpaper, like that’s at all possible. [UPDATE: props to the wonderful Messed Up Marionette, who pointed out Zima was the beauty contest winner. Sure enough, when i went back to verify, i noticed IMDB had corrected their typo. Originally they'd written Miss Elkridge, but now it says Miss Elk Ridge. Thanks Marionette.]

Yvonne Zima Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper

There’ll be more shots of her in my drawers as well.

Silken Butterflies

Thank god for the Silken Butterflies. Starting things off right on the pretty little foot is the super talented Noa Lindberg who was here as Michele Cusick. Not only is she talented and beautiful, she’s also gutsy as she’s agreed to to an interview for the Bar None, so stay right there on the edge of your seat until that comes together.

What’s an important role in any movie? The bartender, of course, and Crisann Peters fit the part of “Neptune’s Bartender” so well that it made me weep for my past, when i was still drinking and she coulda tended some bars around me. Even less logical than that last sentence is that Crisann, too, has agreed to an interview in the Bar None. i’m thinking this new Jose Cuervo cologne is really starting to work wonders.

Also thrown into the mix was the equally (well, almost equally because she isn’t letting me interview her) delightful Meghan Aruffo, as the enviable “NYE Party Girl”, and aren’t we all?

For those of you more into Iron Men than Iron Ladies (RIP on Margaret “Thatchick” Thatcher), here’s a shot of Iron Man out of his suit.

Drink: ½ Shot

There was some alcohol on the screen, so i have to give it the symbolic half-shot for effort, but there is really the minimum here.

Here’s the way that spilled out on screen:

• [Tony Stark] Drinks wine in his workshop. Obviously [from the rosy pink color], fake wine for RDJ
• Flat champagne for when Pepper comes home
• Mandarin drinks Kronenbourg from a can and offers some to Stark

The Villain (and despite the wardrobe NOT a 70′s Magician, 80′s Singer or 90′s Stand up comic)

Rock & Roll: 2 Shots

Two shots and both of them are for the action climax at the end and none of the rest.

You want rock and roll? Go back to Iron Man 1 and 2, where they have the decency to give us some AC/DC. Here there’s no real rock, just rock-like instrumental incidental music. You wanna song with words? No problem, there’s a jazz version of Jingle Bells sung by a cat named Vinne Zummo in the movie and i ain’t even shitting you one bit.

“Well, Oprah, I do my best *not* to fart in the suit.”

Boring Technical Crap

Written by:

Stan Lee, Don Heck, Larry Lieber & Jack Kirby (comic book)
Drew Pearce & Shane Black (screenplay)

Directed by: Shane Black

Starring

Robert Downey Jr. – Tony Stark / Iron Man
Gwyneth Paltrow – Pepper Potts
Rebecca Hall – Maya Hansen
Noa Lindberg – Michele Cusick
Crisann Peters – Neptunes Bartender
Yvonne Zima – Miss Elk Ridge
Meghan Aruffo – NYE Party Girl

Bottom Line

C’mon, you knew before you read this if you were gonna see it or not. If you saw the first two, then you gotta see this one anyway. If you don’t have to see it, you should anyway because RDJ should have your money.

Another Round

Haven’t Had Your Fill of the Booze Revooze? Click here for another round.

Al K Hall’s Drawers

No more glib, just skin from here on out.

Gwyneth Paltrow

Gwyneth Paltrow in the Bar None

Rebecca Hall

Rebecca Hall in the Bar None

Rebecca Hall in the Bar None

Haven’t Had Your Fill of the Booze Revooze? Click here for another round.

Earth Is A Memory Worth Fighting For. “Oblivion” Isn’t.

Ramblings: Negative Space

Final Proof: 2½ Shots

You know how you get drunk with someone in a coma? You sit there for a couple hours pouring vodka into his IV bag waiting for him to wake up or do something interesting and maybe once or twice he has a crisis and so you get bursts of excitement when they come in with their crash carts and shit to revive him but then it’s back to just sitting there in a very hi-tech room where nothing really goes down or comes up except a heavy buzz that drags you down and you have to fight against it to stay awake. That’s what Oblivion was like.

CGI is a wonderful thing. And the hovering machines look good, too.

• 2077, 5 years after the mandatory [apocalypse]
• Cool exploding moon shot
• The movie is set in a desert wasteland. Super exciting.
• Plus he sleeps a lot because his dreams are important
• The only thing not predictable about this story is how long it would be
• Good sets
• Who the fuck is the second 3rd Jack?
• Based on a comic [that explains it]

Buzz Kills (Watch Out for Spoilers)

Regrets the days when phone sex was a career option…

Sex:

• Tom Cruise’s partner’s (Andrea Riseborough as Victoria) naked back in the shower. Nice back. The front…?
• Tom Cruise’s back in the shower. He’s still fit. #CGI
• Vickie’s nude silhouette by moonlight, [bare] butt in the water swimming
• Is that the girl from Firefly / V / Homeland who i’ve seen naked?  [Morena Baccarin]
• Nope, it’s not her. [It's Olga Kurylenko] I’d like to see her naked, though.
• That’s Zoe Bell in the background

Drink:

Tom’s gonna burn one down

We’ll grow old and fat together, and fight and drink too much.

Rock & Roll: 

• Special effects and shit
• Blue Oyster Cult
• The Wall album cover
• Led Zeppelin “Ramble On”
• “Whiter Shade of Pale” on the turntable
• Techno song at the credits

Cue the theme to “Star Wars”

Boring Technical Crap

Written by:

Joseph Kosinski: graphic novel and original story

Karl Gajdusek and Michael DeBruyn: screenplay

Directed by: Joseph Kosinski

Starring

Tom Cruise … Jack

Morgan Freeman … Beech

Olga Kurylenko … Julia

Andrea Riseborough … Victoria

Nikolaj Coster-Waldau … Sykes

Melissa Leo … Sally

Zoe Bell … Kara

When i say this movie bombs…

Bottom Line

Perfect if you’ve ODed on uppers and need something to help you come down. This film could take the inventor of the Starbuck’s taste challenge out for a nap.

Another Round

Haven’t Had Your Fill of the Booze Revooze? Click here for another round

“I’ve seen bigger on baby ants.”

The closest thing Tom’s come to filling a hole in months

_____________________________

Reese Witherspoon Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper

What’s worse than being famous? A lot of things are worse than being famous. What’s worse than being drunk? A whole of a lot is worse than being drunk. But what’s worse than being drunk and famous together? Ooh, that’s another drunkalog and if you don’t believe me, i totally understand because i’m one lying somebitch. So you should go ask Reese Witherspoon.

Directly from the Bar None juiced-box (see? there i go lying again) and dedicated to “Peewee” Reese (totally not a lie this time): Destiny’s Child – Say My Name

[Press 'Play' for Witherspoon's "Do you know who I am?" song]

Reese Witherspoon Bar None Mug Shot

Celebrity Dregs

April 22: Reese In Pieces

Here’s what’s not news. Reese Witherspoon’s husband got pulled over for drunk driving. Who the fuck cares? It’s not even Reese’s piece that got arrested herself it’s her goofy ass husband. Only a little more newsy is that she started threatening the officer because she’s famous but you can’t blame her because we all do it (wait, don’t we?). You also can’t blame her that it didn’t work, because every time i tell some cop not to bust me because i’m Reese Witherspoon, he always does anyway.

Reese Witherspoon in the Bar None

Besides, this stopped being news when Reese was all cool and apologized and was really humble and talked about her kids. You know me (and if you don’t, i’m not cleaning that up), as an alcoholic in recovery this kind of share always makes me wet and by ‘wet’ i mean ‘teary’ (perv…it’s the pictures i post of her that make me wet).

Reese Witherspoon in the Bar None

You know what the real news is? Watch that TMZ video up there i stole off of YouTube. Did you see what her husband did there? Exactly! Fucking Nothing! He just stood there with his mouth hanging open while his wife gets taken out like garbage. It was me, i’d be telling her to shut her Reese Witherspoon ass up and sit it back down in the car. Or, and this is only on a good day, i start telling the cop to go back away and easy on my wife or else i’mma barbecue his bacon and eat it while he watches, but jesus, you gotta do something, am i right?

Reese, babe, if you want to be with a real man who’ll stand up for you, call me, you have my number (it’s on the wall of every Ladies Room stall in every police station in Georgia).

Reese Witherspoon in the Bar None

Bar None Dregs

Bet you didn’t know my frenemesis Saint Pauly posted another on of his things that made me smile over at WTF!? (Watch the Film). This time he takes the piss out of The Day.

Or you can find out all about me.

All About Al K Hall

Al K Hall’s Drawers

Sexy Photos of Reese Witherspoon without all the big words

Didn’t get your fill of the dregs? i keep them on tap right here.

i figured out Amanda Bynes’ fucking problem

There’s a lot i don’t know, for example i don’t know what your problem is, but add this to the short column of shit i do know: i know Amanda Bynes’ problem and, like the cat that we just ran over, it was in front of us all the time.

Check it:

Amanda Bynes is, like what, 38 years old?—and she doesn’t drink. That, Barmaids and Beerhounds, is enough to drive anyone batshit crazy.

Hunter S. Thompson said it best (and got paid a shit lot more than me, too) when he said

I hate to advocate drugs, alcohol, violence, or insanity to anyone, but they’ve always worked for me.

Amanda tweeted her confession soon after the police fished her out of her apartment for a little catch and release, meaning she was arrested and set free in a little offshoot of “cat and mouse” i call “pussy and mousy”, in which Amanda plays both parts.

“Does she drink?”

“Does she drink?” is the wrong question because the right question is “Does it matter?” and i’m so generous i’ll even tell you the answer and the answer is, “No, it does not fucking matter.” It doesn’t fucking matter because whatever Amanda Good-Bynes is doing or not doing is derailing that train wreck.

Exhibit ‘A’ for ‘A’manda before:

Amanda Bynes Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper

Exhibit ‘B’ for ‘B’ynes after:

One Hot Mess

Pictures puke louder than words…

And while i’m hanging paper here, i found out Google who hates me and wants the Bar None to close down forever by giving all my patronizers the wrong directions on getting here has credited a phishing site with a wallpaper i stole photos for with my own fingers and made my own self on my own computer and posted here first. i’m putting it up again here as a way to piss on it to mark my territory.

Amanda Bynes drunk at the Bar None wallpaper – Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper

So here’s the bottom line @Amanda Bynes

Amanda Bynes, you seem like a good kid who’s been tossed into the arena with tons of lions and all they gave you to defend yourself was way more money and time than you could handle. Unfortunately, throwing money at the lions doesn’t seem to be working, and the crazy you’re baking is only making them hungrier and scaring away the fans in the stands you already had.

The secret to killing the lions is not to fight them. It’s to turn your back to them, turn off your computer, go far away to someplace safe and close your eyes until those lions are hungry enough that they attack some other poor sweet starlette who’s easier.

i really do wish you the best,

Al K Hall

PS You’re nose is super cute, i wouldn’t change a thing.

Bar None Dregs

Saint Pauly, who makes me laugh for all the wrong reasons, posted another one of his funny reviews over at WTF!

All About Al K Hall

Didn’t get your fill of the dregs? i keep them on tap right here.

Al K Hall’s Drawers

Didn’t get your fill of the dregs? i keep them on tap right here.

Not from the juiced-box but the soundtrack: The Beach Boys – Help Me, Rhonda

[Press 'Play' for what is probably the worst song in the movie but the only one i could find]

Ramblings: His Name is Mud

Final Proof: 3 Shots

You know how you get drunk with Boy Scouts on a trip? They’re so cute with their little shorts and when they laugh beer comes out of their nose and they wipe it away with their little yellow handkerchiefs and they drink like they do everything else which is earnestly and if you don’t know what that means it means with their heart, it means they do it with unquestioning faith in something other than God, something they haven’t named yet and that’s what they’re searching for with all of their badges and all of their exploring until what they find for the briefest of moments and then lose like their virginity never to get back again is Love because there’s a boy scout minute when all little lads believe in Love more than they believe in booze, boobs and big brothers, more than God, Mom and vacations in summer and Mud captures that instant for one little boychild.

Waiting for a Tidal Wave

i can tell you right now who’s going to like this movie, and that’s guys like me. More specifically, guys who used to be boys like i was. Ridiculously emotional, thin skinned, passionate about everything to the point of blindness where others mistook the fact i was overwhelmed with my own emotions for egoism but really i couldn’t stop feeling enough to make room for anything else.

If you weren’t like that as a kid or if you were never a kid you’ll be able to appreciate Mud as a piece of art but you won’t be able to understand it.

Redneck Yachting

The thing that makes this movie is the actors and not just Matthew McConaughey because he spoke with an accent and not just Reese Witherspoon becasue she’s a hot drunken mess and not just Michael Shannon (who starred in Nichols’ other movie, Take Shelter) because have you seen how fucking cool he is and plus he does a good job acting normal here for once. No, the good actors were also the kids, especially the boys because one of them (Tye Sheridan as Ellis) was a real actor and so he has to be good because it’s his little  job but they also had this kid from Arkansas (Jacob Lofland as Neckbone), fresh off the street, and he acted the hell out of his part.

Plus there was Sam Shepard who is an amazing actor and writer and who was probably my first guy crush back when i was a teenager and secure in my heterosexuality with a lifelong crush on Muriel Hemingway that still hasn’t completely gone away. And Michael Shannon rocked his role, and i’m not just saying that because he’s my current guy crush. What i really liked about all the acting going on was that i have been each of these characters at least once in my life and the actors let me identify with all of them.

Johnny Ray done carved himself a whole dock

What about the rest of it?

Jeff Nichols wrote and directed Mud and he did a good job because i was able to sit back and forget i was watching a movie and that’s exactly what a director’s supposed to do. As for the themes, well, there were some and i guess that makes this intellectual or French but the themes weren’t all that complex and there was an ending so it really wasn’t all that French but still it was pretty predictable, like trying a new beer in a frosty mug and the beer is refreshing but in the end all you have left is the same old mug.

But still that was one damn fine glass.

“We’re gonna need a bigger boat.”

Buzz Kills (Watch Out for Spoilers)

Sex: 2 Shots

A couple very pretty girls but because this bad boy was about love and not sex, the girls don’t show anything other than up.

Like i already said, Reese Witherspoon played the female lead in Mud and did a lot with what she had but she didn’t have to do a lot other than look nervous.

Redneck test: Find Reese Witherspoon (Hint: She’s *in front* of the truck)

i got some more shots of her deep in my drawers down below at the bottom of this post.

Also in this movie is Sarah Paulson who i already like because she’s in both seasons of American Horror Story which is the best fucking show on TV bar none (no pun intended) . To make things even better she plays a lesbian in season 2 of that series and to take the cherry off the cake and put it where it belongs [no idea what i mean by that, btw], she’s a lesbian in real life, too.

I bet Sarah and i are fantasizing about the same thing…

She plays Mary Lee, the lead boy’s mother and the worst thing about her performance was that it was so short. And they didn’t let her look like this.

Sarah Paulson Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the shot for a wallpaper

Rounding out the full cast is the wonderful and not at all jail bait Bonnie Sturdivant. She’s 22 and acts her age and better.

“So then I said, ‘Half your age plus 7, man’.”

Silken Butterflies

There was only one actress whose talent was as permanent as her beauty was lasting and her screen time was fleeting. Barmaids and beerhounds, i give you Kristy Barrington.

For those of you more into mud than dirt, there was Matthew McConaughey. Here he is, deep down in it.

Matthew McConaughey Drunk in the Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper

i stuck some sexier shots of him in my drawers, at the bottom of this post. Scroll deep down and you’ll find them.

Drink: 1 Shot

Nothing to write home about, much less bore you with here, so let’s make like most of my love and just get it over with.

• Father drinks whiskey from a pint bottle flask
• RW [Reese Witherspoon] hangs out at a bar drinking Bud Light and flirting with a guy
• Empty bottle of fictional whiskey in the dying bonfire at morning

Don’t drink and boat

Rock & Roll: 1 Shot

There were some decent and other not so decent real songs in this movie but i can’t find a trace of them anywhere and i’ve been digging for much longer than i should’ve been because once i get something in my crotch i can’t let go of it until i find it but this time i’m just giving up. And don’t even tell me to look at the OST album because it’s all incidental music and there were some songs with vocals in Mud other than “Help me Rhonda”.

“The necklace will go right here.”

Boring Technical Crap

Written by: Jeff Nichols

Directed by: Jeff Nichols

Bargain hunting in the funiture store

Starring

Reese Witherspoon – Juniper
Sarah Paulson – Mary Lee
Bonnie Sturdivant – May Pearl
Kristy Barrington – Princess
Tye Sheridan – Ellis
Jacob Lofland – Neckbone
Matthew McConaughey – Mud
Sam Shepard – Tom Blankenship
Michael Shannon – Galen

Bottom Line

Was it a great movie? It was great enough.

Another Round

Haven’t Had Your Fill of the Booze Revooze? Click here for another round.

Al K Hall’s Drawers

So that’s all for the fancy writing. After the jump is nothing but pictures of the actors and actresses.

Matthew McConaughey

Matthew McConaughey Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the shot for a wallpaper

Reese Witherspoon

Reese Witherspoon Assassin a bikini

Reese Witherspoon outside the Bar None

Reese Witherspoon after the Bar None

Sarah Paulson

Haven’t Had Your Fill of the Booze Revooze? Click here for another round.

Amber Heard Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the shot for a Wallpaper

Celebrity Dregs

June 6, 2013: Heard the Truth

An open letter to Amber Heard

Amber,

It has come to my attention that Johnny Depp is giving up booze for you. That you are responsible for ending the reign of acting’s most accomplished functional alcoholic is none of my business and not the subject of this letter.

You know me–and if you don’t, i’m the guy who left that stain on your doorstep–i’m no whiner. No, i’m here to declare my love for you in a way Johnny Depp never could (and that’s not a sex reference).

Johnny Boy will give up alcohol for you? So the fuck what? i’ll take up alcohol for you.

Let’s take a moment to think about this. By getting sober, Johnny’s life will become immeasurably better. He’ll feel better, think more clearly, sharpen his acting, augment his fortune, hone his guitar playing, increase his sexual prowess… Every aspect of his existence will improve. “If you stay with me, I promise to succeed more”? What kind of bullshit risk is that?

What i’m offering, Amber, is a real sacrifice.

i’ve been sober for 2 years, 5 months, and 16 days, so i know about the benefits awaiting JD if he goes off the sauce. But if you leave him for me, i promise to fall so hard off the wagon that the repercussions will be felt all over the world. i will  give up everything for you, all the clarity, all the happiness, all the security, all the comforts, all the relief, all the courage, all the piece of mind i’ve accumulated since getting sober.

i think you’ll agree, mine is a more shining example of guts than what Johnny is showing.

Think it over, babe, and leave me a comment in the Comments section if you want to fuck up and get fucked up together.

Bottoms up,

Al K Hall

Unbeknownst to many, Amber dated Yosemite Sam before hooking up with Johnny

There’s hotter shots of her in my drawers, down there. ↓

Bar None Dregs

Saint Pauly, who gets funnier every time i look at him, has just posted two hilarious reviews on the first two Resident Evil movies over at WTF!? Watch the Film.

Go here for a complete list of all my websites on one page so you don’t miss out on any of my shit. All About Al K Hall

Al K Hall’s Drawers

No more wittiness, just wetness…

Amber Heard

Amber Heard in the Bar None

Didn’t get your fill of the dregs? i keep them on tap right here.

Putting the ‘Man’ in ‘Manicure’

Ramblings: Rusty Nails

First off: Just to prove Wolverine came to Yeaman before States…

Final Proof: 2 Shots

You know how you get drunk alone? You sit there on your ratty ass recliner and pound cheap beer so fast your cans don’t have the chance to get warm and your skin tingles with the excitement of the buzz and you honestly believe you’re having fun even if you’re the only one, and you think you’re thinking of all kinds of great shit that you really should be writing down and even if you catch yourself drowsing off towards the end you’re convinced that the night you’re spending means something significant…until you wake up in a puddle of your own piss with the understanding that you’re in the same chair and the same life with the same job and nothing at all you said or thought or did has any consequence on your life. You got ridden right back where you started and and the ride wasn’t all that great, and that drunken night is just like The Wolverine.

Life in the Outhouse…here comes another Full Moon.

• Like a minor-storyline comic, it’ll burst your speech bubble
• i hate Wolverine’s ironic beard
• i hate Wolverine’s ironic haircut

“Wait, does my hair really look like a furry plate glued to my head?!”

• PG-13 vengeance isn’t as sweet as you’d think
• No consequences, so of no consequence

Buzz Kills (Watch Out for Spoilers)

“Bitch, I am so gonna finger bang you.”

Sex: 0 Shots

• Wolverine kisses Jean in bed…in a dream. Neither Jean, nor the kiss, nor the dream are wet.
• Wolverine makes out with Mariko as she holds his obi [not a euphemism]
• They wake up together, fully clothed
• Minister of Defense Noburo parties with two prostitutes in their underwear
• Viper is a mutant who can kill you with a French kiss, or her breath [not a joke]

Drink: 0 shots

Yukio hasn’t yet understood Pole Dancing

• Bar fight scene when Wolverine decides to break his ten minute vow of not hurting anyone
• Logan buys evil hunter a drink before stabbing him in the hand with a poison arrow
• Drinks a shot while torturing the evil hunter
• Libido [Yukio] cuts off the bottom of a beer bottle with a samurai sword–drinks are half off
• Wolverine drinks whiskey on the plane because he’s a pussy afraid of flying
• Prostitutes make drinks for Japanese Ministry of Defense in their underwear (the drinks are in glasses, not their underwear)

Rock & Roll: 1 Shot

BMX: Be More Exciting

1 shot and it’s all for this song… Sideburn – Six Feet Under

• Normal fight scene
• Cool fight scene on top of bullet train
• Normal finale fight scene

“I’m the Man of Steal!”

Boring Technical Crap

Written by: Mark Bomback, Scott Frank, Christopher McQuarrie – screenplay

Directed by: James Mangold

Doesn’t bathe. Looks better.

Starring

Rila Fukushima – Yukio
Svetlana Khodchenkova – Viper
Famke Janssen – Jean Grey
Tao Okamoto – Mariko Yashida
Hugh Jackman – Logan / Wolverine

No. Not Irish.

Essence

The Wolverine is giving us the finger.

Another Round

“I make my skin crawl.”

Hard & Veiny: The Wolver-peen

Iron Man 3 Booze Revooze

G.I. Joe Retaliation Booze Revooze

Les Misérables Booze Revooze

Haven’t Had Your Fill of the Booze Revooze? Click here for another round

_____________________________

Prince Harry’s Royal Baby

[Press 'Play' for Kylie Minogue playing "Drunk" from her album...Impossible Princess.]

Dregs

Cressida Bonas in the Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the shot for the wallpaper

July 16: Royally Fucked Up

The Harry Prince continues his glorious rise to the bottom. His grace has already graced the Bar None with his drunken antics and he assures me that we can continue to count on his patronage. He’s told me this in person, through the choice of his new princess consort: Cressida Bonas.

(Note that “Bonas” is UK-speak for “Boners”. As in, “Prince Harry should marry Cressida and take her name so people would call him, “Harry Bone-ahs”.)

The best part about her apart from everything else is that she’s a party animal just like his High – ness.

Just recently they have been seen

• Partying until 4am at a rock concert
• Having a quiet evening in…a bar called the Rum Kitchen

But don’t take my word for it…pictures drink louder than words.

Cressida Bonas LUSH in the Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the shot for the wallpaper

Evidence Cressida is a LUSH (Bar None slang for Lesbian Until Sober Honey).

And here’s Cressida making one of her favorite Drunken English scenes.

The Original Drunken English Girls

Cressida’s Tribute Version

Proof it’s Cressida

She’s a Princess of Darkness on her way to becoming Queen of the Night.

Bar None Dregs

Am i an asshole?

You know me (and if you don’t, you’ll probably answer the ‘asshole’ question wrong), i’m a sensitive mother fucker.

Case in point, i recently came across this video on YouTube and it seriously moved me.

Jillian Jensen, the young lady singing, was bullied for years in her school and this passionate performance grew out of that pain. [For the complete story behind this performance, follow this link.]

Now, the Bar None has always been a No H8R zone, and this video as forced me to declare the premises a Bully Free zone as well. The problem is, i’m trying to decide what constitutes bullying, so i’m asking for your help.

Your answers will help me decide who and what i write about in the dregs coming up.

Saint Pauly over at WTF!? Watch the Film has been keeping busy with his reviews as funny as old meat smells.

Check out:

WTF!? (Watch the Film) Human Centipede 2

WTF!? (Watch the Film) God Bless America

WTF!? (Watch the Film) The Darkest Hour

WTF!? (Watch the Film) Resident Evil: Extinction

As for me, go here for a complete list of all my websites on one page so you don’t miss out on any of my shit.

All About Al K Hall

Al K Hall’s Drawers

Photos

Prince William picks up Harry’s Royal Baby

Didn’t get your fill of the dregs? i keep them on tap right here.

Well, it’s the Back-to-School period for those of y’all who weren’t smart enough to get out yet. Don’t let education get you down, though, wait for your grades to do that. Right now, you still have shitloads of time before your first test, so live it up while you can still do it guilt free. And if you’re looking for a little somethin’ somethin’ to spice up your white bread life, why not tap the Lunch Lady?

From the juiced box and dedicated to Tonya: Fame – Hot Lunch

Commoner Dregs

September 02: Baby Got Back-to-School

I Learned My Lesson

Here’s a fantasy i didn’t know i had: a 3-way with the school lunch “lady”. You know, i wanna drink from her juice box. Shake her milk. Lick her batter. Knead her breasts and baste her thighs. Tenderize her meat. Whip her cream. Ice her muffins. Make her suck my fish sticks.

i just found out i had this fantasy thanks to a 34-year-old hot lunch lady in Colorado who has a lot on her plate. Seems she had this party at her place and invited the whole high school cafeteria, and when they all came she left them begging for smorgasbord.

She served one guy right there in the middle of her living room while the others waited in line and then she took a 17 and a 20-year-old into her bedroom for what i like to call the “Back to School Special”. Bet you’re wondering which one got the sloppy seconds, eh?

Unfortunately, this left a bad taste in someone’s mouth because the police started asking around until one fed up customer called the tip line and fed them the entire story on a silver platter.

The Hot Lunch Lady was put in the cooler for sexual assault on a child and contributing to the delinquency because of all the booze she served with her smile.

School Supplies

Bar None Dregs

About Bullying

At the end of my post about Cressida Bonas, i stated that i’m instigating a no bullying policy here in the Bar None. i polled readers and asked if they felt i’d bullied her Royal High-ness in the post and 40% of y’all said i had. In response to that unequivocal response, i’ve refused to use the woman’s last name in this Dregs post, referring to her only as Tonya. Is that enough or am i still bullying? Please let me know in the comments.

Go here for a complete list of all my websites on one page so you don’t miss out on any of my shit.

All About Al K Hall

Al K Hall’s Drawers

“I’m having my back-to-school period!”

Didn’t get your fill of the dregs? i keep them on tap right here.

i do know who i’m playing with: Myself

From the juiced-box and the soundtrack: Control Machete – Si Señor

[Press 'Play' for some of that Mexican moderno salto ("hip hop" in Spanish, hermano]

Ramblings: Medium Stakes

“When I grow up, I wanna be just like you, daddy–er, Ben Affleck.”

Final Proof: 2 ½ Shots

You know how you get drunk in Laughlin, Nevada? Sure it’s a casino town and you sip comped drinks all night as you play poker, but the drinks are so watered down you start to build an ark and the only poker you play is video poker so electronic that you can smell the percentage it’s taking from you and that’s about as exciting as watching reality TV show reruns, plus you’re in fucking Laughlin for chrissakes which doesn’t even have the decency to copy Las Vegas like Reno does. So you sit there drained and not drunk and ready just to finish your roll of quarters and go back to your smelly ass room and beat off to “Pretty Little Liars” because even the prostitutes in Laughlin are too expensive and too cheap. That’s all you’ll take away after seeing Runner Runner.

You’re in a hurry and just want the short version? Runner Runner is a mediocre remake of The Firm and every other corporate thriller from the 1980′s.

Ben Affleck begging the director to tear up his contract

There’s a couple things wrong with Runner Runner and by “a couple” i mean “a shit ton”, starting with the script which is no big deal and ending with the acting which isn’t going to win any awards. Like for the acting Justin Timberlake tries to bluff us into thinking he can carry a whole film but his weak ass hand couldn’t carry a shake so he should just stick to the carrying of tunes.

You know who else is in this movie? John Heard and what cracked me up is that i just saw him in Sharknado, but at least he was trying in this one. The character he was this time trying to be, however, was called Harry Furst. i’m still trying to decide if this is a bad joke or bad scripting.

Speaking of bad script writing, here’s a taste. A bad taste. For your mouth.

This isn’t poker. It’s my life, and I only have one play left.

Plus there’s tons of WTF!? moments that i won’t get into here because i don’t want to drop any spoilers but trust me, a lot of this movie is gonna feel like bad fan art because you’re gonna look at it and feel that something just this side of everything is ‘off’.

Bar None Artist’s recollection of “Runner Runner”

Buzz Kills (Watch Out for Spoilers)

Sex: 1 baby Shot

Gemma Arterton is all kinds of hot but you’re gonna have to take my word for it because you won’t see any of that sizzle here. There’s a little kissing and a sex scene that was lifted from 1980′s school of in-your-end-o sex scenes but it sure didn’t get a rise out of me.  Not like this, anyway.

Gemma Arterton Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper

Silken Butterflies

There were a lot of them but i was only able to net a couple.

To start off with, hats off to the extra special loveliness of Laura Alemán, who played to perfection what just may be my favorite role in the film, “Masseuse”.

Another young lady who pricked up more than my ears was the stunning Diana Laura who acted the shit out of Sandra Leon (her character).

Here’s the blow-by-blow:

• Hot black jack dealers
• JT & GA [Justin Timberlake and Gemma Arterton] have sex standing up against a wall
• Champagne and girls at Local’s orgy when delivering bribe

Gemma proves she loves going down

Drink: 2 shots

Two shots and it’s only because of the quantity of the booze that flowed and not the quality of the references. A lot of drinking, but the booze didn’t have a role in the film so it’s not gonna score big here.

• Beer and whisky during the online poker game when he loses everything

Justin learns about porn…the hard way

• Red wine in casino (too red to be real)
• Shot of pro’lly vodka after almost losing [all of his staked money at his boss's party]
• Beer at beach bar
• Beer on boat
• “Una cerveza” in a Costa Rican bar talking to the head honcho

Rock & Roll: 0 Shots

Like you really though you were going to get rock and roll in a movie with Justine Timberlack. They had tons of music only none of it was rock. Like do you know who they had in the movie? Some guy named Joel and not Billy but a DJ who knows Joel isn’t that cool of a name so he changed it to Deadmau5.

As for the action…like you thought there’d be action in a Justin Time movie. The most action you’ll see are the people walking out of the cinema. Hey, it’s not cruel if it’s true.

Justin Timberlake has a case of the Runs

Boring Technical Crap

Written by: Brian Koppelman & David Levien

Directed by: Brad Furman

Starring

Gemma Arterton – Rebecca Shafran
Laura Alemán – Masseuse
Diana Laura – Sandra Leon
Justin Timberlake – Richie Furst
Ben Affleck – Ivan Block
John Heard – Harry Furst

Bottom Line

Cut your losses while you’re ahead and fold. Fold hard.

Another Round

The things you learn from a toilet cam cannot be unlearned

Justin reminiscing about his old boss

A Real Back Street Boy

Haven’t Had Your Fill of the Booze Revooze? Click here for another round.

Al K Hall’s Drawers

Nothing left but sexy photographs and not one of them is of Ben or this Justin. You’ve been warned.

Gemma Arterton in the Bar None

Gemma Arterton in the Bar None

Haven’t Had Your Fill of the Booze Revooze? Click here for another round.

From the juiced-box and the soundtrack: Tito Tarantula – Machete Main Title Theme

[Press 'Play' to spice up this review]

Don’t you hate it when a new post comes out on some famous blog and assholes all over the world rush to comment just one word?

FIRST!

Silly assholes, that’s what cellphone cameras are for. Here’s proof i saw Machete Kills before you.

This shot represents Jessica Alba’s total screen time in the flick

Ramblings: Machete Scratches

Final Proof: 2½ Shots

You know how you get drunk in a Chili’s? It’s a nice enough place to get a buzz on but do you really want to get shitfaced someplace ‘nice’? Are as high as your aspirations go getting all fucked up in a family restaurant that has pictures of its laminated drinks on a menu and chick waiters with name tags? Wouldn’t you rather raise hell in hell itself at the bottom of a barrel place where you can’t tell the spilled beer from the spilled guts and the only reason girls go to the bathroom together is to make sure they make it back alive and intact? In a real fucking drunk you don’t risk getting cut off you risk getting cut, the only thing you designate drivers for is outrunning the cops and the only reason to lower your voice is for death or another gulp. Leave Chili’s to ethnic poser professionals out on a quick flirt before returning home to their spouses… If you’re gonna fucking get drunk then go all out balls to the wall no holds bared pulling no punches kicking ass and tasting fame drunk. Machete the First was fucking drunk, Machete Kills is as much a letdown as trying to cop a buzz on colorful cocktails with next to no liquor content and names as fruity as the waiter in a motherfucking Chili’s.

“Batman?”

i like Robert Rodriguez. Like a lot. Roget is still looking for new words to describe how fucking awesome Sin City is, but i also really liked From Dusk to Dawn and The Faculty. Hell, i even liked the Spy Kids movies, and i really got into the B-genres like Planet Terror and someone’s still pro’lly cleaning off the back of the seat in front of me from when i saw the first Machete.

Rodriguez has this cool way of taking cliches and then anal raping them, like you order a beer and then when you’re in the middle of it you realize he spiked it with acid. You don’t know where he’s going and he gets you there in a hurry, with style. Like in a convertible. Or a minivan with a rocking sound system (but a super fast and really cool minivan, though).

Barbie Landspeeder

The problem is i expected him to take me on the same ride with Machete Kills but all he did was ride me. The hard way. i expected most of the surprises he threw at me so he didn’t catch me off guard. Sure it was fun to see famous people doing cameos all over the place in a fake movie, and watching Amber Heard try to act is like watching a mermaid try to run a 100-yard dash which is always good for a chuckle but i’ve come to expect more from Rodriguez. Hell, he’s trained me to expect more.

Unless–and this is probably exactly what’s going on here–he’s afraid people will expect too much of Sin City 2 next year so he wants to make a ton of boring movies so our expectations are at an all time low when he releases SC2.

Yeah, i bet that’s it.

Buzz Kills (Watch Out for Spoilers)

Sex: 3 shots

Killer Tits

Rodriguez knows men and he knows what men like and he knows women and when i say that i mean he probably knows them biblically and that means sexually but none of that is as important as him sharing them with us. So he gets all these super hot actresses and makes them appear in revealing clothes and do a lot of action shots on the big screen and what more do you want from something that can’t press charges when you’re through?

As for the blow by blow:

• 70′s style weird lava lamp style sex scene where they say “Put on your 3D glasses now” but then the scene is too fake 3D and has 70′s groovy sploogey (hey, if i can write it, it’s a word) designs to see anything
• Danny Trejo’s nipples have no areolas

Because Cleavage

You know who i wanna start with is Alexa Vega who plays an evil henchbabe prostitute called KillJoy. She started out looking like this sweet little girl in Spy Kids 1-84 and then ended up a gorgeous young woman. The nice thing about this is she learned how to be a good actress before she got all hot. The other nice thing is this, a collage of her Twit pix.

Alexa Vega Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper

She also has assless chaps in one scene in the movie and man, does she do AssAssin the open air very well.

Then there’s Amber Heard who is so beautiful it makes my eyes hurt but who acts so badly it makes my eyes hurt too. Whenever she starts to speak, look at her boobs, that’s what i do and it distracts you from her acting. She had a sex scene in the film, fully clothed, sitting on Machete’s machete.

Amber Heard Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper

You remember Sofia Vergara because how could you forget her when she looks exactly like this? She plays a whorehouse madame and her girls are as hot as she is but not all of them because this is how high Sofia lifts your bar.

Sofia Vergara Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper

Guess what and you don’t have to because i’mma a tell you right now before you can try to guess. Vanessa Hudgens had a cameo as Cereza the whore / Mendez’s lover but we never get to see her prove it. Still, Vanessa really puts the ‘OOH’ in Cameo. Sorta like this.

Vanessa Hudgens Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper

Then there’s this Lady Gaga woman i heard a lot about but not of because the only kind of pop i’m into is when my eardrums do it because the music is so loud. She plays a women called La Camaleón and almost falls out of her dress as she climbs out of a wrecked van. First up in real life, i got a collage of her in and out of the Bar None.

Lady Gaga in the Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the shot for a wallpaper

So, she’s a singer like Justin Beiber except taller and more masculine and she looks a lot like this.

Lady Gaga Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the shot for a wallpaper

Saving the best for later, everyone in the Bar None knows how hot i am for Mr Michelle Rodriguez and she looked good in this movie because she lost some of the beer weight and walked around all cute as a belly button. Her shots, as long as the solo shots of all these ladies are located at the bottom of this post, in my drawers. Just rummage around at the end of this and you’ll come up with something.

Portable Gun Show

Silken Butterflies

Rodriguez also knew how to net the Silken Butterflies, those actresses with eternal beauty and fleeting screen time.

First up is the wonderful Callie Hernandez who clocks in as “Space Babe”.

As if that weren’t enough and when is it ever, there was also the amazing Emmy Robbin who rocked the movie as Pris.

Then there was also Elle Lamont who scored the roll of Dollface and if that wasn’t a case of typecasting then ‘dollface’ doesn’t mean this.

Elle Lamont in the Bar None

Last and certainly not least is the Robert Rodriguez scored twins and not just twins playing nurses but twins that are so amazing they’ll make you forget every pair you’ve ever seen before. I give you Electra & Elise Avellan.

Or is it Elise & Electra?

Drink: 3 shots

Not bad, actually. There were quite a few references and some of them even had relative importance so i’ll jack this up to 3 shots after being so hard on the film over all.

Check out this booze exchange between Mendez (Demian Bichir) and a bartender.

Mendez: Martini extra dry and 2 olives.

Bartender: All we have here is beer and Chango.

“Chango” for those of you who care, is a fictional warm, flat weak piss beer that Rodriguez likes to sneak into most of his movies for grownups (or me).

Here’s the blow by blow for the rest.

• The President (Charlie Sheen as Carlos Estevez) drinks shots of whisky in the Oval Office
• Bad leader Mendez drinks tequila when meeting Machete
• Wine at dinner with Mel Gibson (who doesn’t get drunk and go racist on Danny Trejo’s ass)
• Mel kills a waiter with a corkscrew because the waiter was going to spill a bottle of 1787 Chateau Margaux
• Variety of cocktails at the reception

Picking up chicks…on the bumper

Rock & Roll: 3 Shots

i know, it’s amazing that in each category i’ve been scoring rather high but overall the film scared only 2½ shots. What can i tell you that i didn’t already spell out in the intro? Nothing.

But the rock was good, like the soundtrack was so good i’m going to try to find it online and download it illegally for free.

Very Hard Nipples

The action, though, was a little weak except for this one part (and you saw how i put up at the top that there were spoilers here, right?) where Machete punches through a guy’s skin, pulls out his intestines, throws them into the revolving rotors of a helicopter on the ground beside them and the rotating motor pulls the dude up into the blades and chop him to suey.

Boring Technical Crap

Written by:

Danny Trejo auditions for Thor

Kyle Ward – Screenplay
Robert Rodriguez & Marcel Rodriguez – Story

Directed by: Robert Rodriguez

Starring

Danny Trejo – Machete
Amber Heard – Miss San Antonio
Michelle Rodriguez – Luz
Sofía Vergara – Desdemona
Lady Gaga – La Camaleón
Vanessa Hudgens – Cereza
Alexa Vega – KillJoy
Callie Hernandez – Space Babe
Emmy Robbin – Pris
Elle LaMont – Dollface
Electra Avellan – Nurse Mona
Elise Avellan – Nurse Lisa
Charlie Sheen – Mr. President (as Carlos Estevez)

Bottom Line

Not all that sharp but not all that dull, either.

Another Round

Booze Revooze of Inglourious Basterds

Booze Revooze of Django Unchained

Haven’t Had Your Fill of the Booze Revooze? Click here for another round.

Al K Hall’s Drawers

i’ll throw up some of the leftover captioned stills and then get right to the hotness because you gotta believe my drawers are as hot as hell, Barmaids and Beerhounds.

That moment you realize you have the same haircut as Danny Trejo

Valentine’s Day in Mexico

Bored This Way

“I call this one my ‘vale-Dick-torian’.”

Chose ‘Acting’ as her ‘Talent’. Lost pageant.

Barbie Machete

Bra Size: 9mm

A Breakdown of Government

Alexa Vega

Alexa Vega in the Bar None

Amber Heard

Amber Heard in the Bar None

Amber Heard in the Bar None

Lady Gaga

Lady Gaga in the Bar None

Michelle Rodriguez

Michelle Rodriguez after the Bar None

Sofia Vergara

Sofia Vergara in the Bar None Machete Kills

Vanessa Hudgens

Vanessa Hudgens in the Bar None

Vanessa Hudgens in the Bar None

Haven’t Had Your Fill of the Booze Revooze? Click here for another round.

A Booze Revooze Quick Shot

Smaug Alert

Not at all from the Juiced-box but the only song with words in it from the soundtrack: I See Fire – Ed Sheeran

Here are the derogatory shots to prove that yes, they let me see this bad boy 2 days before the civilized world.

Bilbo disappearing with the ring

Merlin–uhm, Gandolf

Some half-bear, half-man guy

Precious

They’re blurry and badly taken? No, they’re of a movie i saw in 3D and only here to prove i saw this bad boy.

Ramblings: A Hard Hobbit to Break

Final Proof:  3 Shots

You know how you get drunk with a daughter of a whore who’s a whore herself? She’s just as flashy as her mom and aims to please but she’s a little sprier, a little faster on the uptake and quicker on the down-low. She parties harder and keeps a better rhythm so she’s more satisfying than mom, even if she’s just a shallow party girl and you’ll never fall in love with her or spill your guts or bare your soul to her and you don’t care enough to wonder what her real name is but you’ll remember her stage name for up to a week which is more than you can say for her mother who was totally forgettable in every way. That’s what The Hobbit: Desolation of Smaug is like after the not Unexpected Journey.

The Hobbit looks Paramount

• Nice because you can doze on and off through much of the film and still follow the story
• Didn’t they already have a giant spider in one of the Lord of the Rings?
• The second movie i’ve seen in 2 weeks that ends with a “To be continued” (Hunger Games 2 was the other)

Buzz Kills (Watch Out for Spoilers)

Still looks Lost

Sex:

• Evangeline Lilly extra fully clothed
• The dwarf/elf love story is highly annoying
• Great special effects because they make Evangeline Lilly ugly– that isn’t easy to do

Drink:

How you feel choosing wine

• Mead and ales in a Middle Earthen pub
• Drunk guards passed out
• Post-feast a dwarf wakes up late and downs the bottom of a glass of ale

Rock & Roll: 

• Great action scenes
• Why does the dragon want all the riches? What’s he going to buy with it, cigarettes and dragon hookers?

Not ‘Cupid’, but rhymes with ‘Cupid’

Boring Technical Crap

Written by:

Fran Walsh, Guillermo del Toro, Peter Jackson, Philippa Boyens Screenplay

Directed by: Peter Jackson

Starring

Evangeline Lilly – Tauriel
Graham McTavish - Dwalin
Ian McKellen - Gandalf
James Nesbitt - Bofur
Ken Stott - Balin
Martin Freeman - Bilbo Baggins
Richard Armitage - Thorin Oakenshield
Stephen Hunter - Bombur
William Kircher - Bifur
Adam Brown - Ori
Aidan Turner - Kili
Benedict Cumberbatch - Smaug
Conan Stevens - Azog

The Hobbit pays better than The Office

Another Round

Booze Revooze: The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey

WTF!? The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring

WTF!? The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers

WTF!? The Lord of the Rings: Return of the King

Haven’t Had Your Fill of the Booze Revooze? Click here for another round

_____________________________

From the juiced-box but not the soundtrack: Peter Gabriel – Biko

[Press 'Play' for a moment more inspiring than the movie ever achieves]

For those of you doubters who still don’t believe i see shit before the States, here are the screen shots i snapped with my phone.

Ramblings: Long Walk on the wrong track

Final Proof: 2½ Shots

You know how you get drunk studying for a history test? You’re sitting on a stool and the book is sitting on the sticky counter absorbing spilled foam and sloshed cocktails but that’s OK because the times you’re reading about are more important than the book itself and you start to get bored as the booze kicks in so you skip straight to the pictures and realize the book is only a well intentioned way to make money and not meant to inspire anyone and if you want some fucking inspiration you have to go directly to the source. That’s what watching Mandela: Long Walk to Freedom was like.

Here’s the main problem with the film: Mandela’s life is modern history. Hell, he was still alive after the film was completed. Can you imagine watching a movie someone made of your life and at the end telling the director you thought it was boring? Which would really suck because you’re life isn’t at all boring – and you’re you, imagine how weird it would be for someone as epically non-boring as Mandela.

You know what the best part of the movie was? The news footage, because they showed news clips from the time the events were really taking place and then at the end they showed photos of the real Mandela and the events touched on in the film. In other words, the best bits were the ones the director didn’t make. What i’m saying is, a documentary would’ve been much better than this film. Mandiba’s struggle against apartheid wasn’t so long ago, so they could’ve used original footage, old photos, interviewed real people… That would’ve been a movie that gave you chills whereas this version just left me cold.

See, i know you guys think i’m young and a hep cat like you say in your cool kid lingo, but i’m actually old enough to remember a lot of what happens in this movie. Hell, i was boycotting Coke because of their interests in South Africa and i was standing alone in my basement in front of the mirror putting on a concert where i sang Peter Gabriel’s “Biko” fighting back tears because i’m nothing if not an over sensitive son of a bitch with an out of proportioned sense of injustice. Ah, if only this movie were as intense as i am.

i’m also old enough to remember listening to this killer song called “Sun City” by Artists United Against Apartheid (in 1985) which you gotta see because it’ll save you the time and money you would’ve otherwise spent on the Long Walk to Freedom and plus, where else can you see Lou Reed, Miles Davis, Ringo Starr, Bob Dylan, Bruce Springsteen, Run DMC, and fucking Joey Ramone all singing together in the same song?

Finally, let’s be honest and you know me, i’m nothing if not an honest man (though the fact that sometimes i’m nothing does not necessarily mean i’m dishonest…)– Idris Elba is a great fucking actor and probably a handsome man but he looks absolutely nothing like Nelson Mandela. Nelson was a clearer skinned African as well as being rather small and almost frail in stature while Idris is this huge fucking giant of a beautiful black man. i know i’m coloring way out of line here, but i found the lack of physical resemblance distracting.

Just remember, you’re allowed to hate the movie without hating the man or what he fought for.

Buzz Kills (Watch Out for Spoilers)

Sex: 0 Shots

Obviously Winnie Mandela played a huge role in Nelson’s life but to be completely honest, i don’t really care about how they met, how they fell in love, what they looked like when they kissed, what they looked like when they screwed, what they looked like when he proposed to her, or what they looked like when they got married.This is more like looking through Mandela’s family album and i wished they would’ve spent more time on the man’s philosophies than his wooing.

There is also a standup quickie with a political groupie after he married his first wife but before he met Winnie. This is to show us that Mandela was a ladies’ man and is pretty typical of how this movie covers what we’ve already heard about Mandela.

Silken Butterflies

The extra beautiful and enormously talented Nomfusi Gotyana portrayed Miriam Makeba and sang some killer South African style music in a bar in the beginning.

Drink: 0 Shots

The only real drinking reference is when a drunk black friend of Mandela’s is arrested leaving a bar because he doesn’t have his papers and then he’s beaten to death by the police after he throws up on a cops shoes. Also, Winnie is shown sipping what might be either iced tea or whiskey. Oh yeah, and that mug on the table in that one scene was either half empty with beer or piss, judging by how yellow it was.

Rock & Roll: 1 Shot

Mandela spent 18 years in prison and i think the director of Long Walk to Freedom wanted us to appreciate what this tedium felt like by cutting most of the violence associated with the fight against white supremacy in South Africa. Oh sure there are some token scenes representing the overall pain involved with the struggle but more attention is paid to the love story with Winnie than the end of white rule Mandela brought about.

That rant over, there were some pretty cool songs thrown in the mix:

• Gil Scott-Heron – The Revolution Will Not Be Televised
• Public Enemy – Fight the Power
• Bob Marley – War

There was also one crappy song filling out the credits, the ultra ordinary “Ordinary Love” by U2, no offense.

Boring Technical Crap

Written by:  Nelson Mandela – Autobiography William Nicholson – Screenplay

Directed by: Justin Chadwick

Starring

Naomie Harris - Winnie Madikizela
Nomfusi Gotyana - Miriam Makeba
Idris Elba - Nelson Mandela

Bottom Line

Wait for this to come out online, even Mandiba himself would forgive you

Another Round

Booze Revooze: Invictus

Booze Revooze: Zero Dark Thirty

Booze Revooze: Django Unchained

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Al K Hall’s Drawers

The review is over, now let’s get to the revue, which will feature exclusively the bodily charm of Naomie Harris.

Naomie Harris – AssAssin panties

Naomie Harris in the Bar None

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So much WTF

‘Tis the season of my annual Bar None Christmas post, where we all gather around the monitor and roast our nuts on the fire of my love for you. i hope that you got everything you wanted because i did: your presence today is all the presents i need.

As of right now, 601 of y’all have found your way into the Bar None on this most auspicious of days and i’m here to thank you for thinking of me, especially today. For those of you who aren’t reading this, Santa has a special message for you, too.

Add to that number of patronizers one more because i’m here with you, thanking you for taking the time to pop in and i’mma try to make it worth your while.

Thank you for patronizing me and hoping you’ll patronize me even more next year.

Enough of the the words, lets get to the gifts.

Want more holiday spirits? Click here for Posts of Christmas Past

Wait, before you go, wanna see me put the ‘X’ in ‘X-mas’? Click below the belt to get into my drawers because, unlike Christmas, you can come more than once a year.

Bar None Drawers

Those more interested in candy canes first

Daddy Christmas

Stocking Stuffer

For those more interested in ho’ ho’ ho’s, start your engine

Santa Claws

To prove what little mind i have is pretty fucking open, i even have a selection of goodies for those of you who don’t celebrate Christmas.

Happy Hanukkah!

Merry Kwanza!

Joyous Shinto!

Rockin’ Pagan!

Even atheists have a little taste

From all of me at the Bar None: be good to each other people and have a kick ass 2014.

Want more holiday spirits? Click here for Posts of Christmas Past.

Aren’t we all?

Before we get into the shit, let me just rub something in by telling you that, yes, once again, we had a movie in Yeaman before ya’ll in Rest-of-the-World. Here’s the peroxide proof of that.

Ramblings: Pretty Normal Activity

Final Proof: 3 Shots

You know how you get drunk on your annual camping trip? Instead of grilling the burgers yourself on the fire, you decide to try fast food for a change so you eat your burgers around the fire and sip your beer and commence the horror story telling but the tales taste as stale as the rehash you swallow with your flat beer because it never really gets cold enough in a cooler. The stories, like the beer, aren’t bad and the scare, like the fare, are predictable variations of the same urban legends with some fun twists on your nads and suspense to keep you awake but if you’re looking to be startled by something truly new, you’d be better served by another franchise. Still at the end of the day when you’re peeing on the fire, you go to bed and the beer burps bring up the burger aftertaste and you realize you’re satisfied because you got what you expected, if nothing more. That’s what Paranormal Activity: The Marked Ones smacks of.

You know me, and if you don’t just hold it against me, i’m all kinds of specialist on Paranormal Activity because we always get them first in Yeaman.

For those of you who need a cheat sheet, here’s a summary of all the Paranormals up until this point.

Paranormal Activity 1: (October 2006) Micah and Katie are harassed by a demon and record it on a digital camera.
Paranormal Activity 2: (Prequel: September 2006) Kristi (Katie’s younger sister), her husband and her hot step daughter are bugged by the same demon and record it on digital home security cameras.
Paranormal Activity 3: (Pre-prequel: 1998) Kristi and Katie are little girls and are stalked by a demon and their stepdad records it on videocassette camera.
Paranormal Activity 4: (Sequel: November 2011) A blonde teen is tormented by an evil Ben with hormones, but also an evil spirit and the neighbor kid from across the street. Her adventures are mostly recorded on webcams and an Xbox.
Paranormal Activity: The Marked Ones: (Post September 2006): The film is set after Ali (Molly Ephraim) loses her dad and step mother (Kristi) in PA2 and includes an alternate take of Katie killing Micah (PA1). An 18 year old Hispanic guy named Jesse realizes too late he’s been marked since birth for demon possession. The filming is done with a video camera he buys with his graduation money.

Interestingly or not, this movie technically isn’t Paranormal Activity 5. PA5 is supposed to come out in October, but Paranormal Activity: The Marked Ones is a spin-off for the Latino crowd, and why the fuck not. There may be some special guest appearances by Molly Ephraim who’s back from Paranormal Activity 2 for one scene, and the iniminimintable Katie Featherston who has some cameos as well, but basically this is an all new branch of the franchise.

i’m not going to give away anything about the story because i hate it when people do that, but i’ll tell you what you need to know which is Paranormal Activity: The Marked Ones (which is a long fucking title i’ll never type again) delivers what you ordered and feeds you the crap you expected.

You got the found footage feel (evn if they don’t thank the families and the police in this one like they did in some of the others), you have the talented unknown actors (like Andrew Jacobs does a good job as Jesse, the possessed teen, and very beautiful Latina actresses (Catherine Toribio and Gabrielle Walsh to name but a two) who are talented and just your type if you’re into “very beautiful”. You also have the building of fake startle moments into real startle moments and even a Simon Says game as a modern ouija board / devil’s condom (or whatever the words is that means ‘conduit’).

The new & improved parts come in the fact that the action takes place outside and in many different locations around the city and not just in a couple of rooms. Plus, there’s more action and less heating up slowly to a slow burn.

This movie is like the James Bond series, it has women in it. Also, if you like the others in the series, you’ll like this one too.

Buzz Kills (Watch Out for Spoilers)

Sex: 2½ Shots

Another first for PA:TMO is that they had full frontal female nudity of a hot brunette. Sure, we saw it through a video camera filming a TV screen receiving a signal from a GoPro camera, but it was better than nothing and certainly much better than the sight of an older and heavier naked woman painting the triangle/circle symbol on the hot woman’s stomach.

Apart from that, like i already said, they had Molly Ephraim as Ali again and remember how much i longed after her in my review of Paranormal Activity 2? This film proves me right, though her screen time unfortunately was next to nothing. Like what she’s wearing here.

Molly Ephraim Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the shot for the wallpaper

There’ll be more shots of her in my drawers, at the bottom. All you gotta do is scroll all the way down.

Silken Butterflies

The rest of the hotness took place with the Silken Butterflies, who are those wonderful actresses whose screen time was the opposite of how talented they are.

One of the hottest was the lovely Catherine Toribio, who played Penelope, a party girl who wants to get freaky with Jesse until the freaky shit starts. Fortunately, before that there’s a scene where she’s crawling around on her hands and knees in her bra, you get the picture, lucky you.

One of the other principle actresses was Gabrielle Walsh, who plays Marisol (Jesse’s best girl friend). She did such a good job with the acting thing that i almost forgot she looks this good.

The other minor roles weren’t all that much more minor either, especially when you realize they were nailed by actresses like Noemi Gonzalez, who was Jesse’s sister, Evette.

There was also the extremely lovely Wallis Barton who was so killer as “Captive Girl” you’d think she liked it.

There was a surplus of shots of her online, so i stuffed a couple of them in my drawers. Down there.

PA:TMO also saw the big screen debut (probably) of  Gigi Feshold as Penelope’s friend, Natalia. At least i’m pretty sure that’s who it was and it’s not like you’re reading this anyway. Speaking of “pretty”:

Finally, i’m saving my favorite for last. She played “Coven Witch” but she’s also a famous stunt woman and her names is Crystal Santos. How cool is that? A stunt woman/actress named Crystal who looks like this:

Told you she was hot, bitches.There’s more shots of her in my drawers as well.

Drink: 2½ Shots

Not a lot to go on here in terms of drinking being crucial to the story, but there was still some gratuitous drinking which means “free” so here’s my notes on the “free drinking” which is what everyone loves to hear their bartender say.

• 40′s and probably a keg @ a graduation party
• Shots of tequila with grandma
• Beer [while] playing Simon Says
• Cute Latinas drinking beer at party

Molly Ephraim in the Bar None

Rock & Roll: 3 Shots

There was no rock and roll music that I was able to discern so all the points here go towards the action. There was 3 star’s worth because they had some surprise events like bodies falling out of the sky and car accidents out of nowhere.

At the beginning they had some fake “cat jumping out of the closet” type stuff but later on, the real suspense was real enough. Another cool thing about suspense movies is that you can take a date to them and she (or he, depending) will get scared and cuddle up next to you but there’s no hardcore violence to freak them out so they don’t want to do other hardcore shit later back at the house.

Boring Technical Crap

Written by: Christopher Landon

Directed by: Christopher Landon

Starring

Gabrielle Walsh – Marisol
Catherine Toribio – Penelope
Molly Ephraim – Ali
Noemi Gonzalez – Evette
Wallis Barton – Captive Girl
Gigi Feshold – Natalia
Crystal Santos – Coven Witch
Andrew Jacobs – Jesse

Bottom Line

There’s a reason they use the word “franchise” with both fast food and movies. PA:TMO is like McDonalds, nothing special but you know what you’re going to get when you go there, which is not at all a bad thing if you like McDonalds.

Another Round

The Rod’s brilliant review of the first one

Saint Pauly’s hilarious look at Evil Dead reboot

Booze Revooze of Scream 4, speaking of franchises

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Al K Hall’s Drawers

The review ends here. Keep going only if you want to see how photogenic the actresses are in PA:TMO

Molly Ephraim

Wallis Barton

Crystal Santos

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